Jaded
by Sakura's Shadows
Summary: I understand what that feels like. That aching need that forms where your heart is supposed to be beating, where your happiness once was, threatening to tear you in half... I miss you Kakashi.KakaSaku
1. A Jaded Sakura

Retail Therapy. I've heard it works wonders on the mind, body and spirit. And right now I could use all three.

I stood in the middle of the department store, hands filled with bags of clothes I'll probably never wear. The store held the oh-so inviting scent of new clothing; I love that smell.

It's so addicting.

Too much so.

The clinking of hangers against the metal of the clothing wracks was music to my ears. It was another addicting aspect of shopping I loved. Some very sultry music played in the background adding to the very nostalgic feel of my favorite store.

The floors were a polished wood, the walls a deep claret color. The uniforms of the employees were very industrial unlike the rest of the store: black bottoms and white tops. Women wore skirts and men wore pants. Women wore their hair back. Men guzzled theirs' with WAY too much moose. I pity their girlfriends when they want to have a special night, wanting to run their slender fingers through their lover's locks but can't because of the gel they piled on their scalp. I silently chuckled at the thought as I stood there, my expert eyes scanning the wracks for anything eye catching.

Bingo.

I spotted a pink, extra long tank. It'll be perfect with a pair of jeans I bought earlier at the thrift store right across the street from my apartment complex.

Expertly weaving through the narrow walkways that divided the different clothing sections, I made it to the blouse. At closer inspection I saw that it had black threading that mingled with the deep pink. It was trimmed in lace, and seemed to be made out of some expensive silk like material. I instantly fell in love with it. I snatched a size small, and then headed towards the purse section.

Some woman looked over her shoulder at me while I passed her. As I did so, my keen sense of smell picked up the smell of cheap perfume. I smirked. I could almost feel her trying to hard to look like she had something to prove to most of the women in these stores.

Feeling her gaze linger at my back, then to the overflowing bags in my hands, I turned, giving her the brightest smile, which was certainly forced, I could muster. She smiled back, flipped her graying hair, which was so obviously dyed, over her shoulder, walking on. I rolled my eyes, turned my head back, walking the opposite way.

Ten minutes later, I was at the register with my tank, a black over-size purse, and a pair of some brand name glasses that had caught my eye.

All together the total was a whopping one thousand two hundred fifty-seven dollars and fifty cents. I whipped out my debit card. The cashier was blue eyed black haired girl of whom I recognized from my old academy days. Her sensei failed her from the chuunin exams, and I hadn't heard from her for the whole nine years since I graduated.

I couldn't quite place her name, but I was shocked when she gave me a bright grin, while eyeing me, and said, "Haruno Sakura? It's been a while."

"Hey there…" I trailed off. I felt bad that she placed me with my name so easily, and I could not put her face with any sort of name. Though, I'm not that easy forget since I do have hair the color of bubble gum and eyes the color of the purest jade. But I still felt bad, nonetheless. Seeming to read my thoughts, she answered my unasked question.

"Rui," She said brightly. I gave her a nod as she handed me back my card.

"I'll see you around, Rui," I chirped as I gathered the new bags in my hands, stuffing my now useless debit card in my pocket. Well, I blew all the spare money I got from my last mission. Tsunade will get a kick out of this. I didn't need the few thousand dollars I got after I returned from the Snow Country. I didn't want it to rot away in my bank account, so I decided to have a simple shopping spree. Although, I have a feeling more than two-thirds of this stuff will go into my closet, forgotten. I almost felt bad for wasting money like that.

Almost.

As I walked through the department store's doors, I felt the cold sting of the outside world. It was in the middle of winter after all. It hadn't snowed yet, but it still gave any ninja a run for her money when she went from suddenly being all warm and toasty to desperately cold in less than ten seconds.

I'm hardcore.

I can handle it.

After all, I am a ninja.

I hate that word – ninja. A fool's game…

But it's so cold. I mean it's like shiver- with -goose -bumps -all -the -while -your -teeth -are –clicking- against -each -other -so -loudly -that -passersby -even -look -your -way cold.

It's horrible. I hate it very much so.

I brace myself, noticing that I can see my breath in the air. When I was little, that whole seeing your breath in the air thing, used to fascinate me. I used to pretend I was sitting in a sheik café with dim lights, holding a cigarette between my forefingers, gazing at the many men who groveled at my round toed high heels. I imagined other men littering me with red roses and wine, while cooing sweet-nothings in my ears. All the while my attire was a simple ruffled white button-up and a sleek pencil skirt. Even my forehead looked normal, and I had a rounded chest, long cat-like legs, and a very slim waist. I was the definition of beauty in my little fantasy.

When I was twelve I had the same fantasy, except Uchiha Sasuke was the star man. He would take my hand and kiss it while holding out a red rose, telling me how much I mean to him and how he wanted to make me his. I would feel a slight flush come to my face and smile demurely, while gazing into his seductive gaze.

A school-girl fantasy. That's all but shattered now. I haven't seen Sasuke since he made way back to destroy the Konohagakure after he killed his brother Itachi Uchiha, the 'murderer' of the Uchiha Clan. Sasuke was hell-bent on destroying the Village Hidden in the Leaves to avenge the meaningless death of his clan and... his dear, dear brother.

But those are times that I try to forget. I have finally reached the level of Jounin, and now I'm moving on with my life, putting the Team 7 days and the patriotism I had for this village behind me.

I even put my dear friendship Hatake Kakashi in the back of my mind.

He promised he wouldn't leave me alone, but he did. It's not really his fault. It's this village's fault that he's not here carrying my shopping bags for me. He's been gone for two years now. The village presumed him dead last year. I don't think he is at all. But no one would listen to my pleas that he was. As a result, his memorial service of death was held six months ago after numerous search teams came back to the Hokage with no news of seeing him. Only his closest friends knew about the service that gloomy day. I was there in the first row, standing solemnly, my hair pulled back, strands escaping the makeshift confinement only to frame my sullen face. I was dressed the black attire that was customary for any... funeral. I cried silently as they chiseled his name into the polished stone of the memorial, while the Hokage went through his list of achievements the whole time. Kakashi was the Copy-Nin, a legend, which saved this village time and time again. But what's the point in risking your life for a village that doesn't value the lives of its own people.

I've realized that I have become a very vain person. The only reason why I do missions is to find Kakashi. They are the only way I can go to the Snow Country, which was where he was last spotted.

Naruto stood there at my side, gripping my hand long after the service was over. The blonde mop on his head drooped over his eyes and hung in messy, uneven tendrils around his neck. I saw stubble on his face when he came to me for the consolation of a breathtaking hug.

It was the first time Naruto held me with desperation. The normally immature loud mouth that I knew was replaced by a man who lost yet another father figure in his life. I felt the hole in his heart deepen. He was lost to the naïve world he once lived in, as was I. We've seen things that many people our age couldn't even begin to fathom.

"Why am I thinking about all this? " I muttered to myself as I made way up the stairs to my apartment. When I stood at my door, I clumsily fumbled with my keys, trying to find the right one. I successfully unlocked the door, kicking it open, walking into my dark, lair. It was warmer in here, but not much. The landlord was stingy with the heat. I dropped my bags on the couch and opened the blinds to let in the evening winter sunlight. Shrugging off my coat, I made way to the kitchen; as I felt the need of hunger suddenly rush upon me.

My apartment was nothing special. My couch was a rich brown leather that had a blanket I crocheted draped neatly over it. I had an arm chair that was over stuffed of the same color facing that window that had a mustard color decoration pillow laid carelessly on it. In the middle of the living room was a small coffee table with my medical books sprawled out on top along with a clear glass vase with a fake lily in it. There was an oak bookshelf that held pictures of my family… Team 7… Kakashi's old team… Ino and me, the graduating Academy students….

And one of Kakashi and I.

The bottom shelf held all of Kakashi's beloved volumes of the Icha Icha Paradise books he always had his nosed buried in. I kept them when they emptied his apartment. I'm sure when the time came that he would return to the village; the first thing he would ask for would be his precious Make-out Paradise novels.

My room and the bathroom were bare with white walls and nothing really decorating them. I had no idea where I would put all these clothes. I stuffed the bags into my already cramped closet. It was overflowing with clothes and not even all of them were mine. I kept a few of Kakashi's, just so he would have them…

I hope he gets here soon…

I miss him…

His companionship was something I never wanted to loose.

I hate myself. I thought I locked that point of my life away in my mind…

I never had.

I think about him every day.

Maybe I just try to ease the pain by trying to forget about him, by telling myself that he'll be here tomorrow.

Maybe that's why I wait at the memorial stone gazing at his name, waiting for him to come tap me on the shoulder. Then I would turn around and see a very ragged Kakashi smiling with his eye crinkle that I used to hate when I was a child but soon grew to adore. He would wrap his strong arms around me and whisper in my strawberry hair, "I'm home." And I would clutch to him, while crying the happiest tears that I ever would in my life. He would rub soothing circles on my back with a hand that was incased in a withered old glove. Then we would go on as if nothing had ever changed.

Oh how I wish that would happen.

But maybe it's another childish dream.

I found myself lying on my bed clutching to the pastel comforter. I want you here…

With me…

Sleep took me away.

And I woke up in a tangled mess of sheets, looking up at the white ceiling trying to make out shapes with the shadows that the morning sun made here and there. One of them looked like Kakashi.

At that thought I dragged my groggy self to the bathroom, striping myself of my clothes, making my way to the shower.

I turned it on with a scolding hot temperature and scrubbed myself viciously, making sure I was tidy for the long day that the hospital would bring me.

Oh yes, I may have not mentioned that I'm also a very established medic-nin here in Konoha. I easily surpassed my master that is none other that the Hokage herself, Tsunade, at the tender age of fifteen. With my superior chakra control and immense passion to heal the injured I was sure to eventually surpass her at some point. Thus, that is the life of one who passes along their skills. The master always secretly hopes that their student will become stronger than they are, so that they know that they have accomplished something. Someday, I hope I can do the same.

Tsunade came to me one day after training, smiling. In a very uncharacteristically way she patted me on the back and said, "I'm very proud of you, Sakura."

I noticed the tinge of sadness in her voice. She told me she had noting left to teach me and that her job was done. Then she snickered a bit adding "It's about time."

That was more like it.

Since then I noticed her drinking more and staying out at bars constantly. She has gotten lonely in her old age. Shizune is not her assistant anymore. She moved on, got married, and started building her own family over in the Sand Country. She occasionally visits Tsunade and is always disappointed at the state she finds her former idol that is always hunched over a toilet with me holding back her golden locks.

She's going to drink herself to death.

Tsunade... She cannot go on the way she is for much longer.

She's been worse after we heard the news of the death of her silent lover Jiraiya, who was a legend in his own right. He trained Naruto in the boy's young ninja career and encouraged him to go on with the goals and plans. It was heartbreaking to see Naruto and the dreariness he exuded when he heard of his master's death.

What happened to the times when things were much simpler?

I know the answer to that.

They went six feet under when I became a ninja.

-

I found my way to the polished stone reading at the many names that grazed its polished surface. All the ninja are KIA – Killed in Action. They are 'revered' as the greatest heroes of the village, as they gave their lives to protect it. I see every life a meaningless waste. They were all brainwashed into believing that their beloved Konoha had always been honest with them. All Konoha is, is just a village of lies. It is a village that commits a silent treason behind its 'valued' shinobis' backs. It's a village with a very jaded past that not even I can comprehend.

Kakashi is missing because he was just doing his 'duty'. They filled his head with frivolous ideas, wanting his skills us just for their own gain.

I clenched my fist.

IF…Kakashi is not in this world any more he just died in vain. He died for this worthless village.

I bit my bottom lip until it bled. Tears stung in my eyes. Just as they did so, rain began to poor around me.

Then…

There was a tap on my shoulder.

I turned…stunned at the sight before me.


	2. A Jaded Naruto and Tsunade

**Jaded**

**Chapter 2**

**A Jaded Naruto and Tsunade**

* * *

A mask hides things away from the world. It conceals the true identity of the wear and brings forth the actions most men would never dare to make. Masks are a paradise. If worn by a person, they take away a ninja's number one weakness –Emotions.

My emotions always got the best of me when I was that frightened twelve year old girl. Sasuke always told me I got in the way, and when he would say that I would try to work even harder. It was to no avail. They tore me form the inside out, telling me I was nothing, Kakashi always having to always come to my rescue, Naruto always keeping a careless, but close eye on me. I was worthless; they were right.

I hate that I could never help, always having to stand in the background, not being recognized. Sasuke and Naruto were special. They had promise. Kakashi liked that, thus, all his attention was put on them to making them stronger. He never minded the scared twelve year girl that was hopelessly in love with her childhood crush.

To Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke were two of his strongest.

And what was I?

…A weakling girl, a damsel in distress. Someone who needed to be taken care of…

Petite… Hair the color of a childish treat... Eyes the color of a delicate and prized stone…

I was the very definition of what they loathed, what they considered weak. The only use I had was to be a source of information. Sasuke always said I had a knack for it, but I only did it to impress him so that maybe he would acknowledge my existence. At times I lie down at night, and think that maybe I really just wanted Kakashi to take notice.

Maybe I wanted a pat on my back, to not be treated like a delicate flower.

I always got in the way. I always slowed the team down.

But…

Then I was a hopelessly naive child.

Now I'm strong. I'm worth something. I'm invaluable, a strong asset.

I'm Sakura Haruno, the medic who surpasses even the legendary Tsunade. I'm stronger than most of these wannabe weaklings.

Cha!

-

Then…

There was a tap on my shoulder.

I turned…stunned at the sight before me.

Naruto stood there, his eyes hood and dark, with the sheen of life suck right from them. He once golden hair was matted down with blood, his beard grown to failing thickness, which was never present on his delicate face. The whisker marks on his face were indistinguishable form the many cuts that adorned his sorrowful face. His lips were swollen, half way open, from them, shallow breaths came. He cradled his right arm with a glove clad hand. The brightness of his presence seemed to be put out like a flame. His clothes were worn torn in places, a black mesh top hanging only by the few strap of fabric around his torso and orange shorts that may have been pants at one point.

He tried to smirk, "Oi, Sakura-chan."

I could hardly make it out; my hand reached as his falling form fell forward, taking me down with him. I cradled his fragile self toward me crying into his shoulder. My shoulders convulsed with each sob I took. Never, had I seen Naruto in such a pitiful state. I felt the father light touch of his blistered hand on the rain soaked surface of my cheek. Reaching up slowly, I gripped it, smiling at him, while watching what may be tears or just droplets of rain falling from the sky.

"You knuckle head," I whispered in a shaky voice. Thunder clapped in the distance followed by a streak of lightening that formed brightly across the sky. Naruto, bless him, tried to laugh, but all that came was hoarse coughing. I put a finger to his swollen lips, "Hush. I'll take care of you."

He nodded, smiling knowingly, hooded eyes closing. His form fell limp as the blackness of unconsciousness took over him, the pain too much for him to bear for any longer. I concentrated haling chakra to my fingers assessing the damage, wanting to heal the most severe injuries before I lugged him back to the hospital.

I smiled bitterly as I laid him out of the muddy ground before me, flat, lightly touching the glowing green fingertips of my right hand to, first, his cranial region to check for and blows to the head and possible brain damage. He had a mild concussion, but nothing to serious. Next, I made a feather like touch to his torso where the most damage was done. Biting my lip, I closed my eyes, breathing deeply in and deeply out. Naruto was so close to death at the moment. One rib had broken at an angle to where it could easily puncture his lung if he moved even a fraction more of an inch. He had an inch deep lacerate that nearly missed vital organs. Honestly I have no idea how he made it back to the village in such a state. Any other ninja would surly…

Be dead…

But this man wasn't just any ninja; this was Naruto Uzumaki, future Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

This brought me back to a sunny day about four years ago when Naruto and I had a date, yes, a date, at the Ichiraku Ramen Stop. Naruto was paying so I ate a bit more than I usually, though, he did seemed pleased, at my growing appetite. He always scolded me that I needed to eat more and get some meat on my petite frame. Truth is, a med-nin's wages doesn't get you much food to eat.

"Eat up Sakura-chan. Get what ever you want. I don't care how much it costs!" He eagerly said. I nodded smiling, watching as he shook his frog wallet that he always carried with him in my face esoterically; it was a valued gift from Jiraiya, so he always showed it proudly to everyone he could.

I held my chop sticks eagerly, mouth watering, as the blushing Ayame laid the bowl of steaming noodles in front of me, her almond eyes trained to Naruto. I scoffed at her for a moment; she was so flirting with Naruto.

Who would've guessed?

She batted her long lashes at him, watching lovingly as he took two giant whiffs his own steaming bowl of noodles, a chopstick in each hand, customary bib tucked under his neck, long hair kept in place with a tie and head band.

"Dig in," She smiled, flipping her dark red hair delicately towards me, "Both of you." I think that smile came a bit thinner from her thin lips. I giggled at the poor girl. Everyone knows that Naruto and Hinata Hyuga are destined. I just gotta do some meddling. I snickered a bit at the thought, making Naruto looking suspiciously at me.

"What?" I said innocently, the inner me snickering highly in a very screech-like manner.

"Nothing," He stuck out his lip, turning back to his ramen, guzzling down the last bit, slipping with each bite. So the night wore on with dull conversation and occasional glares from Ayame. I had only one bowl of ramen. Naruto had about ten.

I never understood how he could eat that much…

We walk side by side outside, the air nippy, making the tip of my nose turn pink. Naruto babbled incoherently about some new jutsu he learned while I nodded my head, pretending, but I just couldn't understand his jumbled ramblings. He would stop; scratch the back of his head only to look at me sheepishly from time to time.

"What?"

When he finally decided to answer, he did so by draping his jacket over my shoulders. I smiled contently; it was a rare act coming from the normally ill-mattered blonde. He would make Hinata a very lucky girl…

I smiled wistfully.

"So what are ya thinkin' about Sakura-chan?" He peered at me with inquisitive eyes. I drew the jacket closer to me, sighing, then smiling, ignoring the question. He stopped walking peering at me from behind, most likely wondering what kind of concoction I was forming in my thoughts, likely worried that said concoction involved him. Chuckling, I peered at him over my shoulder, "Oh nothing."

"Nani? What?"

"I promise." I'm gonna make you and Hinata a couple.

"That's what you always say, Sakura-chan!" He wined.

"I know." I snickered.

Feeling a little immature at the moment, I stuck out my tongue at him. Naruto huffed, walking past me. I watched his retreating from, noticing the sway of his hips and the way he arched his back, hand going to flip his hair.

….He was mocking me.

"Very funny," I mumbled, catching up to him.

Chuckling he said, "I thought so, too."

"Right," I replied rolling my eyes and shaking my head.

He took me back to my house, intending on bumming a spot on my couch for the night. I obliged his request, and we found ourselves on the couch watching a horror movie I had been meaning to take back to the rental store. My head rested lightly in the crock of his neck, his arm draped lazily on my shoulders, pulling me close.

Somehow or another we ended up in a heated passion, rushing to my room in a furry of kisses and flying clothes.

It was something we did often. Some may call it an old past-time. I looked at it as a release.

Poor Naruto…

Please be okay.

The white-washed walls of the hospital came into a blurry focus, as I stretched my stiff body, cracking my aching neck, arching my stiff back, yawning. Memories from before came floating back in my minds eye. My eyes quickly darted to the resting blonde that lay in the hospital cot, snoring softly. I stood, walking to the bed side, inspecting the bandages on his torso. They needed to be changed, as the others were covered in blood. It took me hours and a lot of chakra to get his body in a stable position, but now he is perfectly fine. All he needs is some good rest and plenty of fluids.

I'm glad. I smiled, brushing a long lock of golden hair from his faces, tucking it behind he ear. He looked like a careless child when he slept, something of pure innocence that knew no evil or betrayal, one who never saw death, one who wasn't on the fringes of insanity. My hand clenched into a fist.

Why?

Why all the lies? The deceit? The betrayal? The frivolous philosophies?

I walked out the room, going to a secluded spot in the infirmary, putting my head to the cool wall, breathing harder.

"What have we done to deserve this?" I whispered, "All we do is our duty. Lives are wasted. I've lost the most important people in my life… because of the silent betrayal this village puts on it valued ninjas."

I stuck the wall with my fisted hand, frustrated tears coming from my eyes. My anger got the best of me once again.

I took a step back gaping at the horribly large new hole I put into the wall.

"Sakura," I heard a sullen voice from behind me, feeling a hand roughly gripping my shoulder.

"What?"

"Go home." Tsunade, spun me effortlessly on my feet, lightly embracing me.

"No. I'm staying with Naruto."

"Go home."

"No"

"Go home."

"No."

"Go home."

I tore myself from her, looking at her with teary, jade orbs. She peered back, brow furrowed, hands clenched at her sides. Her appearance was less than impressive. She was pale, with a dark circles under her dull honey colored eyes. Her golden locks were disheveled, clothes wrinkled, make-up absent. She was the picture of a day-after-a-drinking-binge. My master was nothing but a good for nothing drunk.

I looked at her, smirking, "You're supposed to be my mentor."

"Home."

"No"

"Now!"

"No!"

"Haruno Sakura as your Hokage, I am ordering to leave this place at once!" She took my shoulders, shaking me slightly.

"Or what?" I looked her dead in the eye, waiting for the words I knew she couldn't say to me, her student, her best-friend, the girl she saw as a daughter. I challenged her with a slight smirk and crossed arms.

Silence.

"That's what I thought," I mumbled, jerking myself from her tightening grasp, pushing past her.

"Sakura!" Her hand grabbed mine quickly, stopping me in my tracks when I felt the coldness of it, "Please. Just go home."

There was a silent understanding.

She was sick. Tsunade-sama was sick, horribly sick. I felt a flush come to my face, possible turning whiter than the walls themselves.

"Okay."

She didn't have much longer. I knew it.

Tsunade has always been like a second mother to me. She was the woman who I aspired to be. She made me strong when I was weak. She did away with the weakling twelve year old I used to be, and gave me the tools to be something that was sure to surpass her, always believing in me, saying I could do it, showing me the brighter side to life, getting me in funny situations, being there when I was weak, encouraging me when I doubted, comforting me when I was sad, showing me how to love, showing me all that I could be. Tsunade was the most important influence in my life.

"Sakura…" She looked above her raised, clasped hands.

I stood in her office on a humid, cloudy day, clothes sticking to my skin, beads of sweat rolling off me. She looked at me with sad, honey eyes, telling a different story than what she was intending. My body stood erect, preparing to give her the mission report.

Something told me that it wasn't so important, but I started when she nodded her head slightly.

"My team successfully completed the delivery mission with minimal trouble. One was hurt in a battle, but nothing that needed to be taken to-"

"Sakura-chan…" She held her hand up, indicating for me to stop.

"What happened?" I asked numbly. She never acted in such a matter unless… I knew something has gone horribly wrong from the dismal demeanor she took on.

Something bad happened.

"It's about your parents."

My body went rigid.

"They went on an S-class mission and came back a few days ago… when you were on your mission…." She rose from her desk trudging over in front of me. I never faltered an inch, but my insides were a chaos.

"I don't…"

"They're dead." My bottom lip quivered after she said it.

"How?" Was all I could manage.

* * *

**Hmmm. Slight cliffhanger. I'm looking forward to the outcome of this story. Sorry about the long wait. I signed a deathwish by taking 3 AP classes... So much homework! It kills me. I never have any time for writing. I've had this chapter written down in a random notebook for a long time. I just never got a chance to type it. **

**But now it's here! Enjoy! D.**

**I have a question for anyone. Why does the editor on here leave those weird squares in my story? I was just wondering...lol.**

**Leave some love in the form of reviews. and thanks to all that did.**

**To ****JiraiyasGirl****: I still need a BETA; if you would take the offer I will gladly appreciate it. Thanks so much!**


	3. Bearable

"They're dead." My bottom lip quivered after she said it.

"How?" Was all I could manage.

"Sakura-chan," She breathed.

"How?" I croaked, dropping to me knees, tears forming crystalline trails on my flushed cheeks.

Tsunade sighed, "You know all too well I cannot tell you." She bent to my level, looking at me with sincerity. I did know that she could not tell me the gory details, as it was a classified mission, but I still couldn't help myself. These were my parents, the people that brought me in this world, who gave me the gift of life, who loved me for all that I was. They supported me no matter what, and gave me the push I needed when I was a scared child, who always got made fun of because I didn't quite look right. My dad said I was his princess. He would put me on his shoulder so I could see the fireworks at festivals in our village or help me catch fireflies in late July, letting me run barefoot in the dewy grass. Mother would always take me shopping and let me help her in the kitchen, letting me lick the spoon after she made a sweet treat.

I loved them so much. There was no way they could be gone.

"Tell me!" I screamed, putting my shaking hand to the flap of the weapons pouch that hung discretely at my side.

"Please Sakura-chan. Just calm down," Tsunade faltered when she saw where my hand was going. I could feel her tense ready to block any attack.

"How the hell am I supposed to calm down? My parents are dead!" I screeched, whipping out a kunai. Tsunade eyed the silver object in my hand cautiously; the bright lights of her office glinting off the deadly object. She put her hands in front of her, waving them, drawing chakra to them slowly, obviously preparing to defend herself from me if need be.

"Drop your weapon." She said to me in an even voice, careful not to tempt my anger. I could easily out power her if I really wanted too, and she knew that all too well, for she was the one who witness my incredible feat of strength.

"Not until I get the information I want!" I screamed through the waterfall of tears that streamed down my face.

"I cannot do that," Her voice was frustratingly calm.

That was all she needed to say,

I gripped the kunai until my knuckles where a ghastly shade of white, kunai ripping through the leather of my gloves, drawing blood from my calloused hands. Suddenly, I lunged forward with blind rage, aiming to nowhere, to somewhere, to anywhere. I had no idea what brought me to do this sudden attack. I never acted in such a way, attacking someone for no apparent reason, especially Tsunade-sama, one of my precious people that I love unconditionally, with my everything.

I moved forward with blinding speed, screaming a primal howl as I did so, tears streaming down my face.

Tsunade did not move an inch, just eyeing me calmly, mouth in a straight line, eyes blank. Suddenly I found myself aiming at the creamy walls of her office. She moved with the god-like speed that I knew she possessed. She rarely used it, only when she knew she was in grave danger.

I posed that kind of threat to her… I skidded to a rough stop, eyes darting every which way, trying to locate her chakra signature, forming the needed calculations in my head.

Ninety Degrees to the east, I thought as I locked on to it, lunging before I had a chance to calm my jagged breaths. She never faltered, just calm as before.

Then I felt something pull me back, making my head whip forward, body going numb, the kunai ripped from my wounded hand. I struggled in the iron grasp that I found myself in, wanting to take another lunge at Tsunade.

"Let me go," I shook violently in the strong grasp, "Let me go!" I punched and bit and clawed, nothing worked. The arm would not unwind from me.

When I couldn't find the strength to struggle anymore, I gave up, body going limp, breathing jagged, silently crying.

Tsunade took a step forward, taking my face in her hands,"Sakura-chan…"

"I'm …sorry," I told her between heavy sobs.

I was.

I just attacked her for no apparent reason, almost intent on killing her…

She wiped away tears that fell, other tears quickly taking their place, "I would have done the same thing."

She whispered it so low I could barely hear it. My body shook with sobs, my head dropping when she slowly let got of me, smiling sadly. The entity behind me turned me around in his iron grasp, holding me close, loosening a bit when he was sure I would not do anything else to harm Tsunade or myself.

This person rubbed my back in soothing circles, cooing sweet nothings in my ear, trying desperately to calm me. I frantically hung on to him not caring who it was, burying my nose in his easily recognized Jounin vest that was customary to our village, tears soaking it. His arms held my fragile form up, and I let them. There was a silent understanding that I needed to cry, something that many ninja thought was what made them weak, but there was one who always told me that a ninja needed to cry.

I realized who was holding my broken heart in their arms at this very moment.

"Ka…Kaka…shi," I muttered.

"Yo," He whispered. I looked up, seeing his eye crease, and the smile that was invisible behind that navy mask.

I wound my arms around him, molding my form to his, and finally, minutes later, the sobs finally slowed to small whimpers.

"Thanks…" I said. I strained my senses to see if Tsunade was still in the room.

As if reading my thoughts Kakashi said, "She stepped out," in that oh so smooth voice that made my knees buckle. I nodded, stepping away, the invisible walls of depression already taking form.

"Sakura…" I heard him say; knowing all to well what was about to happen to me.

And he didn't want to happen…

I could see that pained expression underneath the mask through that lone visible charcoal eye. My hands slowly formed the seals of the transformations jutsu. Kakashi watched me carefully, faltering in his stoic position as I was about to make the final hand sign.

I never got to make it.

He held me like I was a delicate flower.

"Please let me go," I whispered.

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Please." I want to be alone in my bubble, to create space, to keep him away.

He had his own problems to deal with; a man such as he, who's seen the woes of life in only his first 10 years of existence, should not have to deal with me, a nineteen year old, who's only lost her parents.

I can deal with it myself.

Just as I have done for most of my life.

Just like him.

But I just couldn't push him away.

And he knew that, "Just give me a chance. I'm the only one that can understand."

I nodded, again shaking with violent sobs, hands punching weakly at him. I was frustrated.

Again I was weak. Again I was that girl who needed a crutch to carry her in a darkest hour of her short life.

And that crutch was Kakashi. I hated myself for it, for being that weak, for showing him that weakness. Kakashi never once apprehended me for it. He never scolded me for it, as he would do Naruto and Sasuke at times. He would just always be the shoulder I could lean on.

"Back to my place?" He questioned quietly, as my eyes started drooping, wanting the paradise of sleep to take me over.

"Thank you..." I trailed off, words slurring. I felt my feet leave the floor and my head being cradled to his warm form, arms being placed loosely around his neck.

"She'll be fine. She just needs time." I heard the soft rumble come from his chest, like a purr. Soon enough the beating of his heart and light breathing lulled me to sleep.

I woke up under my pastel comforter, to the winter sun shining brightly thought the open blinds above my headboard. My eyes were hesitant in their opening, almost as if refusing to gaze to the bright luminosity that seeped through the large window. I slowly peeled the blanket off me, stretching my weary limbs, and then the dream from last night suddenly got stuck in my mind again, making the numbing hole of depression seep over me. All the things I had been trying so carefully to lock away in the deepest, darkest part of my mind were flooding back with such intensity, just taking only one day of thinking about him, Kakashi, to do so.

I wound my arms around me trying to fight the aching the threatened to rip my body apart, gripping myself for dear life, trying desperately to take a steady breath.

It hurt so badly.

Oh God, did it hurt.

Thinking about my parents sent me over the edge. I doubled over on my bed, holding myself to keep from falling apart, the pain threatening to do just that.

Jiraiya.

Sasuke.

My parents.

Kakashi.

And many more.

There so many injustices done to these people. They died protecting a village of lies, a village that was murderous to its own people, committing a silent treason against its shinobi. They died for nothing when they thought they died for everything, for their village, dying as a "hero", not knowing they were just cheated of their chance to live happily, without being used as a tool for a meaningless hierarchy.

I clutched at my chest, at my heart that felt as though it were being ripped from my broken form.

I almost lost Naruto. Tsunade has only a few more years, maybe only months, at most and…

Kakashi is missing.

I have no one left, no one that understands the seemingly infinite pain that's coursing through me right now.

I must've been laying there in the fetal position for hours, the pain in my chest making me exhausted. The blackness of sleep overtook me again that day.

"Kakashi-sensei?" I asked as I saw his stoic form, standing there at the Memorial Stone, hands jabbed deeply in his pant pockets with only his gloved thumbs visible, upper body hunched over, elegant sliver hair casting a shadow over his already invisible face.

"Hn." Came his soft reply.

"Kakashi-sensei..." I put my hand on his shoulder, "Please come. Let's go somewhere fun," I said in a bright voice that made him actually visibly flinch.

I stood a step behind him. Hand dropping limped to my side. My jade orbs gaze past his sullen form to take in the sight of the Memorial Stone, gazing at all the name the were etched for eternity into its glossy surface, gone forever from this life. They were heroes in every right. Suddenly my eyes flickered to the fresh engraving of my parents; it has only been five days since the incident. I came here every morning, joining Kakashi in his habit of coming here to 'talk' to his lost precious ones.

A fresh wave of grief came over me, eliminating the fake happiness I exuded. Kakashi seemed to notice, as he took a step beck and slowly put his strong arm around my shaking shoulder.

"It gets better I promise," He whispered, bring me closer. I sobbed quietly into my hands, peering at him slowly to only see that his lone onyx eye had never left the spot it had picked on the stone.

"How?" I chocked, feeling him cling to me as if he were about to go into his own despair.

"The pain never goes away," he embraced me then, putting his chin on the top of my head, "It just becomes more bearable."

"Bearable? How can this aching need in me become bearable?" I asked acid leaking into my voice. Something like this aching feeling that I got in my chest seemed like it could never be…

Bearable.

"I just does. I understand what that feels like. That aching need that forms where your heart is supposed to be beating, where your happiness once was, threatening to tear you in half," He gripped me tighter as he went on, "Always there, never wanting to go away, but as time goes on it gets-"

"Bearable…" I breathed. He pulled me back slowly so he could peer into my tear stained eyes.

"Yes."

"Thank you," I put trembling hand to his head-band slowly peeling it away to reveal his, scarred eye. I drowned in the forever red, my face flushing because he was looking at me with such intensity, "Thank you for never leaving my side, never scolding me for being the weak person I was …am! For never giving up on me."

He put a gloved hand to my right cheek, slowly tracing soothing circles there. I leaned into the touch, closing my eyes, letting my hand on his face, slip down to where his mask began, going over the veiled lips, tracing them, feeling the muffled breaths he took.

A bitter fall wind blew, making my flower petal hair float about, tugging at wisps of Kakashi's silvery locks, playing with the scarf that hung loosely around my neck.

I felt him inch forward slowly, watching intently as he guided my hand from his lips to the tip of his mask. I held my breath for an eternity as he inched forward, letting me tug at the mask, pulling it down slowly as he move closer and closer. He was merely millimeters away when the veiling that hid his handsome features pooled around his neck in a loose heap. He smiled an adorable crooked grin that seemed to reach his eyes, making them crinkle slightly in the corner, the very crinkles I fell madly in love with. He had silvery stubble across his chin, nose protruding slightly with a small bump. His scar was a deep brown color that did nothing to disfigure his face, it gave him… character. His cheeks were peachy, almost sun kissed, in a way that seemed impossible.

Kakashi wasn't blessed with overtly handsome features, not that he was hard on the eyes.

He was just average, with an endearing look made by his crooked smile and lazy eyes, not to mention the stubble, that seemed to be something he liked, made him incredibly….Sexy.

"Breath," He whispered, his hot breath leaving my skin tingling. I gasped in the air I forgot to breath and as I did so he had me in a heated lip lock. It was slow and passionate, not too quick in any way. His lips moved to a rhythm I did not hear, massaging mine, tugging and pulling, battling with one another for dominance. I locked my arms around his neck getting on my tip-toes, while he entangled his hands in my hair molding himself to me. I locked myself to him afraid that the moment would end if I did not.

There was need in that kiss. There was want. There was a silent understanding.

There was reassurance. Maybe with Kakashi there the pain could become bearable.

I awoke then with a revelation. Quickly I grabbed my cell phone off my night stand, peering at the date. I gasped then.

Today is December 1. Kakashi always went to a certain spot on this day. Maybe… just maybe he would be there.

I sprinted out of my bed, grabbing my sandals, racing out the door with exhilarating speed, not bothering with grabbing a jacket or anything to shield myself from the piercing cold.

**Sorry for making this rather dark... But I was/am in an awkward post-break-up stage. My life went from perfect to a crazy downward spiral in less than 24 hours. So it's been a crazy time.**

**Anywho...my BETA and I are trying to work out some stuff...we can never seem to get a hold of eachother...and personally I hate dealing with the DocX stuff on here... It's annoying. I went through this chapter the best I could. I'm not one for grammar... I promise these first few chapters will be meticulously looked over at some point. **

**My apologies. Oh please send your thoughts and what not.**


	4. Ice

**Chapter 4**

I ran blindly, not looking, not caring who I ran into. I just had to get there.

To our spot, my safe haven, the place where it all begin, where our story together took a new twist on the ever winding path of life…

The place where he said he loved me. He always said that if I ever got lonely…

To go back there.

-

"Come back here if you need me and I will be here, even if it kills me," He whispered in my ear.

My eyes went glassy, but I did not let the unshed tears descend, I would not fall for that sort of weakness, not right now when Kakashi needed me to be the strong woman he believed me to be. I would cry when he left, when I was alone, when I was sure that I could be weak, even if were only a fraction of a moment.

"I will," I croaked, swallowing the developing lump in my throat. He hugged me to him, letting the unusual warmth of the December sun caress our somber forms. We stood there embracing oblivious to the cool breeze that gently tugged at our hair, silver, intertwining with cherry blossom pink.

He would be leaving right after this, on his mission that was classified, so he could tell me nothing of what he was to be doing, only that he was headed toward snow, to some secluded village.

"I don't want you to go," I muttered, burying my face in his official green Jounin vest, taking in his musky scent of leaves and something else I could not quite name. Spices, maybe?

"I know," He simply stated, embracing me tighter, sighing as he did so.

We stayed in the warm embrace thinking to ourselves.

He had been there for me countless times, helping me with whatever obstacle came my way, letting me cry, saying nothing of it. He let show a weakness that all ninja thought was taboo, often telling me he wished he could cry, but instead of crying all he could do was remember, remember his friends, his parents, his mentor, remember all the times they laughed and cried, when they hurt and when they were just so happy. Kakashi told me often that he just wanted to cry to let out all that he felt, but he just couldn't; he couldn't bring himself to that point, and for some reason he envied me for that weakness.

I always thought he was crazy when he told me that. Only when he left did I truly understand why he could not cry: his misery did not show him that kind of compassion, that kind of mercy to let out his most painful woes, it wanted him to live in torment every day, to let him replay there deaths and the agony each death caused him over and over like a broken record, never to end; he could not be that lucky, he would often tell me when no one else could hear.

He let go reluctantly, fumbling in his pack for something. I watched intently as he impatiently dug around in the navy blue bag, watching as he got frustrated when he couldn't find whatever it was he was looking for, watching how his nose crinkled in irritation, almost like a dog. A small chuckle rumbled from me, and in response to my giggle, he stopped his ministrations long enough to look at me with question in his eyes, oblivious to how silly and endearing he looked with his hair in his face and his nose wrinkled in annoyance.

"What are you giggling about?" He inquired with a slight exasperation in his voice, but his lone, charcoal eye was crinkled slightly in the corner, showing he was game for some good humor.

"Oh nothing," I laughed, watching as he returned to digging in his bag once more. This time he came out with a small plastic container, with something he obviously cooked. He dropped his pack to the hard surface of the rock, landing with a slight thump.

"Here, for you," he murmured, holding out the packaged treat. I was taken back, Kakashi never cooked. I never even knew he processed the skills to do so. He nudged at me with a slight eyes crinkle. I smiled, brightly taking the plastic container, opening it, letting the sweet scent emanating from the warm cloth covered treat envelope me.

"It smells wonderful," I paused as he laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head with one hand, the other being jammed into his pocket, "You never told me you could cook."

"One of my many hidden talents," He said brightly, jamming his other hand in his pocket, gazing to the cloudless sky, that was uncharacteristic for this time of year, as I unwrapped the sweet treat. It became more apparent that it was a small brownie, triple fudge with nuts.

"Oh wow, this looks delicious," I breathed, feeling my mouth water. I lifted the treat with my free hand and took one bite, groaning as I did so. It was indeed the most mouthwatering brownie I had ever had. It melted in my mouth, not too sweet, nor to chocolaty. It was perfect, and I regretfully took the last bite, licking my bare fingers afterwards.

"I'm glad you liked it. I'll keep that in mind next time I see you hungry," He said, ruffling my hair. I swatted his hand away. He looked at me innocently, but I knew there was smug smile hidden beneath that navy mask. He knows I hate it when he does that, ruffling my hair.

We were silent for a few moments, letting the sound of the river below us drown out the ringing of silence that came over us. I rocked on my heels, eyes cast to the ground, as his were anxiously looking to the sky, waiting for the signal bird to commence him to meet with the rest of his team. It was something that I never wanted to come because if it did…

Chiirp…

"No," I whispered, "No. Not yet." The lump in my throat returned, "It's too soon. Kakashi, you can't go."

"Now, Now… It'll be alright," He took me in his warm embrace once more, pulling down his mask, capturing my lips in a sweet kiss. It was much too short, as soon as his lips touched mine, they were gone and his masked once again concealed his beautiful face.

"Stay safe," I whispered my voice almost cracking, feeling him pull away, almost, but then he took me in another bone crushing embrace, as if he were trying to mold us together.

"I will… And Sakura?" He whispered in a hoarse voice.

"Yeah?"

"I love you... I love you and I want you to be happy, don't cry if I don't come back. Just remember, always come back to this spot, and I will be here, even if I don't return from this mission… I will be here" His voice cracked, I could swear he was almost crying, "Please, just come here where I wait, here, on this rock, waiting for you, my love."

"I love you too," Was all I could say. Even he knew there was a possibility he could die on this mission, it was an even greater risk as it was an S-class ranked mission.

This could be our last time holding each other...

He nodded, slowly, reluctantly, backing away, planting one last masked kiss to my lips.

Chiiirp…

"I'll be here waiting for you, Kakashi. Don't you ever forget that," I breathed, as the feather light touch of his hand rubbed circles on my cheek.

"I know." And with that his touch was gone. I watched at he made the signs of the teleportation jutsu, as he gave me one last eye crinkle before he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

-

And that was the last time I ever saw him.

From that point on my life has been black and white. It was all I saw. No color. No happiness. I live from day to day as if I am in a trance. I go to work, come home only to let the tearing feeling in my heart break me, trying to forget, trying to make myself numb. I am a shell.

I am no longer Sakura.

Tsunade made the observation about the way I was living my life in a daze very clear to me on several occasions, one of which I remember disdainfully.

-

"Sakura!" Tsunade hissed, from where she sat her desk, sake bottle in hand, her cheeks rosy. Surly I knew she was a bit tipsy so I regarded her with caution, eyeing every movement she made, and that was when she beckoned me closer with a swish of her delicate finger. Easily I obeyed, taking small steps forward, watching as she swayed clumsily from her seat, grasping the oak desk to support her as she came in front of the antique. Her eyes were glassy, hair mussed.

She would be having a rough hang over in the morning.

I snorted.

She eyed me incredulously, her usually cool demeanor soured by the amount of sake she had consumed; an open book was what she was in this drug induced trance. To think, I look to this very woman as a role model. Aren't role models supposed to be good examples towards the people that strived to live up to them, who admired them as greatly as I did her? It saddened me to see her like this, the only mother figure I had left in my life, slowly drinking her way to death.

"Tsunade-same, please…sit. Let me give you some water," I exclaimed as she was still standing there swaying from side to side, ready to collapse at any moment. Walking to the fountain to fetch her a drink, I felt her clammy hand grasp my wrist with such great strength that she didn't realize she was actually causing me pain. I flinched at her cool touch, holding back a grimace as the delicate bones in my wrist began to fracture. I immediately sent healing chakra discreetly to the area as not to offend the drunken Tsunade.

"No…NotsofastSakura-chan…" She slurred. At that moment her body gave out and she collapsed into my arms. I felt the warm tears that stained her face, stunned; I'd never seen Tsunade cry, even when she told me of her lost love ones on many of her other drunken binges. Usually when she was in this state she was all bright eyed and bushy tailed.

This was too different, even for the unpredictable Hokage.

"Tsunade?" I inquired delicately in a low, soft voice, watching as her shoulders shook, feeling her labored breaths as she cried her heart out.

Poor Tsunade.

"Oh God…I miss him. "She raised her tear-stained, honey eyes to mine, "Sakura I miss him. And it hurts so much," She put her hand to her heart, "It hurts right here."

I knew exactly what she was talking about. It was like those pains I still feel rip away at me when I begin to even think of my parents and the man I love. It's been a few long years… but the pain of Jiraiya's death still haunted her, even more so now, as today was the seventh anniversary of his death.

My mind suddenly went to the words Kakashi had spoken to me.

"It gets bearable. The pain will never go away. But it's bearable. Tsunade-sama," I whispered.

"How?"

"It just does," I felt her shake harder; it wasn't the answer she was looking for. I took her in a soft embrace, running my hand over her back in a slow up and down motion, trying to offer what little comfort I could. "A good friend told me that." My mind went back to when I stood with Kakashi at the memorial.

"I loved him. I never thought I could love again…. But he…he," Her voice broke. She wailed as she buried her head into my chest, the sound of pain leaving its cold expression etched forever into my heart. I will never forget that desperate sound, the choking sound of such deep pain that ran much deeper than the death of just one loved one. She'd lost every person that had ever gotten a hold of her fragile heart.

"I know you did."

The next day we sat quietly in her office. Shizune was in her corner quietly tapping away at her type-writer. Our breathing was the only other sound that filled the room.

Tsunade huffed crossing her slender arms over her chest, glaring at the empty bottle on her desk. "I want more. Sakura?"

"No."

"Get me sake. I need more." She muttered quietly. She turned to Shizune, who just ignored her, typing away on that typewriter…

"Tsunade-sama," I began.

"Now!" She boomed.

I jumped up from my seat, striding over to her desk, flinging the glass bottle as well as random papers with a wave of my arm, making them fall to the floor, the various papers billowing out, swaying like feathers caught in the wind. We were caught in a heated gaze, as time seemed to slow around us. Her eyes told more of her story of sadness and self-pity, which mine, surly, had to hold as well. I felt so bad for her, why did she…we have to suffer so much? Shizune was the only to flinch when the sound of shattering glass filled the Hokage's office. Tsunade glared daggers at me.

"I will not sit here and watch one of the only precious people I have left in my life drink herself to death!" I screeched. Her hardened expression became soft like she had noticed the tears that pricked painfully at my eyes, threatening to fall with each passing second, "I will not watch you slowly waste away... I will not!"

She put her hand on top of mine, nodding slightly. "I think you should go home now, Sakura-chan."

"Tsunade-sama?"

"Please go. For me?" Was all she could say.

I nodded retreating out the door. I saw Shizune gaze at me with soft eyes, knowing all to well what she was going to do. Shizune rested an alabaster hand on the bump that was beginning to rise, smiling. She would soon be a mother, grace the world with gift of life, with a small bundle of joy that would surly be loved more than anything she ever loved before, for soon she would give birth to a small, innocent child and that child would be her entire world. A child that could become anything he or she wanted, a story waiting to be told, lives ready to be influenced. Life was too important, too short, for sadness and despair. Each minute could be your last.

Life was such a delicate thing.

Each breath could be your final.

"Can I say one thing?" I asked, turning my head over my shoulder to Tsunade. She nodded once, seemingly agitated at my reluctance to leave.

"Life is too precious to waste. You may not think so. Hell the village may not think so... But life is happiness, "I motioned toward Shizune, "Life is love," I motioned to the precious picture of her Jiraiya that she placed delicately on her desk, "Life is too short to spend it wallowing in self pity. It's something everyone takes for granted, the greatest gift ever given to anyone and we waste it, treat like it's nothing. People give their lives for money, for war, for drugs, for meaningless things. We as ninja should value our lives more than anyone. Each moment is precious; each moment should be treated like it's the final, like it the happiest moment in your life. You should love and care for those around you, say the things that need to be said when they need to be said, do the things that need to be done when they need to be done.

"Don't you see Shizune over there, just swelling with the joy of life, glowing with tangible happiness? Why can't we live like that? Why can't we be like her? Like her baby that has its whole life ahead of him or her?"

Tsunade gazed at me for a moment, thinking hard about something.

"Ever since Sasuke left all those years ago, Sakura, you have lived in a trance, a shell of your former self. When your parents died you just got worse. This," she motioned to me, probably taking in my exhausted appearance, ratty hair only tamed by my head-band, maybe looking at the dark circles under my eyes, "This is not the Sakura I saw 5 years ago. Perhaps, you are the one who needs to grasp your definition of life as well."

-

She was right. I'm not that girl I was all those years ago. I was jaded with the reality of life. My definition of life was something so naïve. No one could live in complete happiness for forever. Eventually every person would become a shell, a shadow of their former self. Just like myself and Tsunade had become.

The streets were frosted with snow, the small icy droplets stinging my skin as I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. Everything was a blur, the colorful streets of Konoha that were decorated with Christmas cheer went unnoticed, seeming to only to turn to grey, as I raced to my destination. Only then would I stop and try to seek the color that had once filled my world. I couldn't help but to let my mind wonder again as I ran; the Christmas decorations bringing up some of my most precious memories.

-

It was my seventeenth year that I was allowed to live, a year after my parents' death, a wry way to put it surly, but it was a night that I was longing to relive again.

-

I put the last finishing touches on my Christmas tree, standing back, tapping my chin, biting my lip, as I scrutinized my work, making sure was placed properly, that all the delicate, shimmering lights were on.

"Oi. Sakura-chan?!" Naruto yelled from the kitchen that was only a few meters away.

"You don't have to yell Naruto-kun," I muttered coming to where he stood in the kitchen. I looked at his work, with eyes of approval. Every decoration was placed in just the right spot.

"Wow, Naruto you did great." I watched as the blond grinned, scratching the back of his head.

"Oh it was nothing," He laughed. I walked over to him taking him in a friendly hug. He faltered for a moment before returning the gesture with a small pat on my silk clad back.

"Thanks so much for helping me decorate, this place," I said to him, pulling back smiling, ignoring the slight flush that came on his olive cheeks.

"Really. It was no problem," He muttered coolly, "This place is too big for one person to decorate, anyways."

"It sure is," I felt a twinge of pain course through me. "My parents always loved Christmas, did you know that Naruto?"

He simply nodded putting his warm hand on my shoulder, squeezing it. I put my cool hand on top of his, smiling.

"I know. Your mom would always let me stay over… She baked the most delicious cookies," Naruto whispered, looking at the lonely Santa Claus cookie jar on the counter adjacent to us. I giggled softly when his stomach growled from thinking about the sugar cookies my mom used to make. They were his favorite as well as mine.

"Cummon, let's open some presents." He ushered me to the Christmas tree I had just finished decorating, bending to pick up a small gift, wrapped in frog patterned paper.

"Ah, Naruto you know I don't like gifts," I said as he pushed that small box into my unwilling hands.

"Just open it," He urged. I stared at the small gift that was wrapped, oddly, very neat for Naruto.

"Hinata helped me wrap it," he replied to my unspoken thought.

"I thought as much," He gave a throaty laugh, running a hand though his blond locks. I started unwrapping when he gave another wave of his hand.

I hesitated as I uncovered a small earring box.

"Oh Naruto-kun..."

"Keep going," he said grinning. I snapped opened the silk, pink box, gazing in awe at the set of cherry blossom shaped earrings.

"These are beautiful," I gasped, taking one out, letting the pink diamonds glitter in the dim lights of the tree.

"I knew you'd like them," He replied to my awe-struck voice.

"I don't like them," He frowned, "Oh don't be like that-"

"But I thought-"

"Let me finish, Naruto," I snapped softly. He waved his hands in front of him.

"I love them!" I gleefully said, "Thanks so much," with that I pecked him on the cheek, watching with a amused smile as I pulled back and his right hand quickly going to the spot where my lips touched.

"N-No problem," He stuttered.

I patted him on the back, "Now you're starting to sound like Hinata-chan."

At that, we both laughed.

-

I ran to the school, past the training grounds to the river where a rock perched over the whipping, icy water of Konoha's famous Fire River.

That was the moment I stopped, the moment I took in my surroundings. It was nothing but woods, secluded, quiet, a refuge from the bustling town. It was our spot. I took a shaky breath that caught in my throat as the bitter cold nipped at the fresh air. Carelessly, I stepped forward, listening to the frozen earth of grass and weeds crush under my sandaled feet. My eyes only focused ahead of me as I paced ever forward, eyes locked only on my destination, paying no attention to the slippery ground. My minds eye was only focused on curing the aching in my chest that threatened to rip me apart. Clenching my fists, I walked forward still, numb from the coldness, thinking back to that certain day.

He was so warm; his skin satiny smooth, eyes the softest they'd ever been.

I walked forward onto the rock. It was slippery. ..

Too slippery… as if it were covered with solid ice. I stood still for a moment closing my eyes, drowning out the noise of the river, of the sounds of nature. I focused on the way he held me that day, the last time I saw him. I felt him behind me, embracing me, showering me in butterfly kisses. I felt the warm sun that caressed us in its tender rays, the wind the tugged playfully at our hair. I cooed in content. The pain in my chest subsided for just one moment, forgotten because Kakashi was right…

He was here.

And he would always be here.

Suddenly, my world felt as though a thousand needles were pricking at my skin, my head throbbing. Winter wrapped its icy hands around me and pulled me into the depths of the raging waters of the river.

But I was supposed to be on that rock. I was supposed to be there with him, under the warm summer sun, eating his treat, holding his hand as he said all the things I'd ever wanted to hear.

I heard nothing.

I felt nothing.

My body was being drug further under the icy waters, too numb to move, to struggle, to go to the surface. The aching in my heart seemed to ebb away the closer I got to death. Maybe this was the answer to the pain, to the unbearable pain of living a lie, a life without him, without my loved ones. This was the cure I wanted so desperately.

I wondered why I was always afraid of death, why it shook me to the core when someone ever brought up the morbid subject.

But as I got closer, the pain seemed to go away, all the unwanted feelings and emotions evaporating into a forever eternity of nothingness.

Mom, Dad…

Kakashi…

I'll be seeing you soon. As my body was being dragged deeper into the raging river, as I got closer to death, I saw his face, his scared eye, colored forever red, a crooked smile, and the bump in his nose. My parents were behind him, my mom with her warm smile, rose colored hair, and almond brown eyes. Beside her was my father with a stern but loving gaze, his jade eyes shining brightly. My numb world started to blacken, the image forever fading.

If I could have I would've smiled; they were the last thing I would ever think of, and for that, I was glad the great creator gave me, showing a mercy that he never seemed to give me before. This was fate, to die now in the raging river, so that maybe my tortured self could finally find a peace that it sought out and that could not be fulfilled in the living world. This was my time. My body gave up, sinking into an eternal sleep, never to wake up.

Everything faded to black.

Everything…

* * *

**So this ended up being a rather long chapter. I enjoyed writing it very much so. And I hoped I made the transitions from where she was remembering things/ dreaming/ thinking easier to distingush from the rest of the story. I enjoyed reading some of the feed back I got for my last chapter. Thanks. And for those of you who asked and/or wondering things are much better in my perosnal affairs.**


	5. Open up

**Chapter 5**

This was my time. My body gave up, sinking into an eternal sleep, never to wake up.

Everything faded to black.

Everything…

-

I was trying to open my eyes

Really, I was…

But they just wouldn't obey. I heard someone scuffling around the room, the smell of disinfectant mingled with a whiff of vanilla in the air. It was cold, but oddly warm at the same time; how could that be? There was the sound of one of the creaky hospital supply carts that usually carried food followed by the presence of another person, most likely a mednin. I felt the person take a firm grip of my motionless hand. The person gripped as if my hand were the most delicate thing. A sniffle and a warm tear.

This person was crying.

"I'm so sorry Sakura-chan… Please be okay," a sniffle, "Ple…ase…Please be okay." It was Lady Tsunade's broken voice that entered my ears, shrill with crying but it was still hers. I wanted so badly to squeeze her hand back, to open my eyes and tell her I was just fine, but I couldn't.

Tsunade promptly laid my hand back down on the soft hospital sheets, and I felt her presence leave the room, leaving me to my thoughts. She was probably tearing her self up over whatever condition I was in at this very moment.

That means I lived…

I'm alive.

I can't believe it. I thought for sure that I was…

"How is she?" I heard a soft voice ask.

"Stable." came in Tsunade's quivering voice. I never meant for you to cry, Tsunade. Please don't shed tears for me.

"Oh," muttered the other voice. I couldn't quite place it, but it sounded very familiar, a voice I've known for years. "Can I see her Hokage-sama?"

"Of course, Miss. Yamanaka," I heard the slight smile in Tsunade's voice, "It might motivate her wake up if she hears another voice besides my own."

Ino. Is that really you out there in the hall? I haven't seen you around lately. How are you? How are you're team mates? I heard you and Shikamaru were seeing each other. I'm so happy for you… The soft padding of feet interrupted my reverie. A dent in my bed formed where she delicately laid her hand. The soft beeping of the machines around me echoed in my ear. I heard her take a shaky sigh, putting more weight on the hand that rested on the bed.

"Sakura I…" She choked, "I can't believe… this… How? Why?"

It was a mistake to think that maybe death was an escape from the pain. I would've caused even more to those who were left behind. Never, could I do such a thing. I love these people who care so much for me.

"Naruto's so worried," she chuckled softly, obviously remembering something, "When he heard he bolted right out of his hospital bed… His hospital gown revealed all… You should have seen it" The dent in my bed disappeared and I heard a small scuffle as Ino pulled a chair, it wooden bottom screeching across the cold floor. I heard a swish of air as she sat in the faux leather of the overstuffed cushion. She sighed, wrapping her warm finger around my limp ones. She pulled my hand to her face then, and I could only feel the soft exhales of her breath as she silently cried.

"I'm so glad you can't see me. I feel like a blubbering idiot, but the thought of loosing such a dear friend… Sakura, you scared me. I just found you there. You're lips were blue…You weren't breathing…" She couldn't talk any more. She wept, the despair she held in seemed to just pour out.

Oh, how bad I wish I could just hug her and tell her I was just fine… Wait she said she found me. Is she the reason why I'm here right now?

"You had just a soft heart beat… I… I didn't think you were going to make it. You were so cold…" She trailed off once more I could hear soft whimpers.

Please don't cry. Please. I'm here. I'm safe. Ino you saved my life. After all we've been through you saved me without a second thought.

I put all my effort into moving the hand that was in her grasp. I willed it to move, but it would just not. There had to be something I could do, anything to just show Ino there was something I could do, wiggle my fingers, flutter my eyes, something. My body would just not cooperate.

"Well Sakura. I did bring you something. Some flowers… They're tulips, your favorite," She whispered. She placed my hand lightly back to the bed. Then I heard the small rustle of clothes, followed by a whoosh of air as she stood from her seat. I felt the softness of delicate petals graze my upper lip. Their aroma was so enticing, like the smell of the forest just after the rain. Perfect. "Tsunade-sama says smells will stimulate your brain. She says you might be able to feel and hear, too…" I heard the running of water and the clink of the glass on the standard metal nightstand that was in each hospital room. She laid a peck on my forehead.

"Well I have to get back to the flower shop. I think my mom needs some help. It's been so busy; it being the Christmas season and all. You know it's only a week a way, Christmas. I hope you're up at that time Sakura-chan." She forced herself to sound happy. I could hear the strain in her voice…

"I'll come back later. I promise. I might even bring along Hinata; she's been worried sick. Every one has. So that means you just have to open up those eyes, Forehead." I heard the small chuckle she made as she exited the room. I so wish I was awake right now….cha… !

Billboard Brow… If I could have smirked I would have.

Over this past year, I've distanced myself from Ino and Hinata. We really haven't talked much besides from casual run-in at the grocery store or when we passed one another on the street. I truly have missed them. Maybe it's time that we catch up. When I'm out of here I'll make sure to set aside a night for just the three of us. I can still remember those nights we used to share before Kakashi left. Every Friday night I would find myself in my room scrunching my hair with loads of hair spray, while puckering my lips for a dab of gloss that I put on ever so lightly, checking myself in my mirror to make sure my skin-tight jeans that Ino leant me and black sequined shirt fit me just right, or that little black dress and red wedge-healed shoes matched.

Secretly I lived for every Friday night. It was my night to just let go and enjoy myself, letting the hardships of work and stresses of my ninja life to melt away in the ecstasy of dancing and shots that stung my throat, loosening me up just enough. I would never drink more than one unlike Ino who could down at least ten, then go around being a more ….active… version of her normal self. It was usually amusing. Hinata would usually sit at the table, blushing madly as Naruto would focus all his attention on her, unknowingly leading her to think that he wanted something more from than just a 'casual' friendship when subconsciously she and I both knew where he would end up at the end of the night, whose sheets he would be twisted up in.

I really do wish that Naruto would have paid more attention to her back then. I'm still trying to concoct a plan to get those two together… Maybe if I show the ever oblivious Naruto just how much Hinata cares for him, he'll give up on me and go after her. I just hope she hasn't moved on. We haven't talk for almost a year, I'm sure that childhood crush has faded just like everything else we held near and dear back then. I've heard around the village that Hinata has become quite the ninja, even almost matching up to Neji's strength.

She's far different from the shy girl, who lacked a great self- confidence that I met all those years ago.

"Sakura-chan." I never heard anyone walk in. "Sakura-chan?"

Naruto…? He should be resting. "Oh boy do I feel great. Heh." I heard him laugh nervously, when there was a fury of footsteps echoing out in the hall. "I'm not supposed to be here. All the nurses tried to catch me but I tricked them, Sakura-chan. That's right, I outwitted them." I could picture him standing proudly, giving a thumbs-up, with a smug smile adorning his lips. Typical Naruto.

I heard the protest of the chair that Ino had placed by my bed earlier, when Naruto jumped in it, the cushion letting out a quick swoosh of air. "Eh. I really wish you'd wake up. I miss talking to you, "He paused, apparently thinking. I could picture him arching a blond eyebrow, his rough hand going to scratch the back of his head, tongue stuck slightly over his top lip. I know him too well. "Well I mean I miss you talking back. It's no fun just talking to someone who's in a coma." He probably was pursing his lips, crossing his brawny arms over his chest, sighing. I would have laughed.

"You know I hate the hospitals. The nurses are really annoying. The gowns leave nothing to the imagination... I practically mooned Ino and Hinata earlier," He chuckled at the thought, "Che. No privacy at all. I can see why Kaka-sensei hated them so much… Oh," He paused and I knew why. "Eh. I'm sorry Sakura-chan." I felt his warm hand on my face. "I miss him, you know." He cupped my face as if I were the most delicate thing. My eyes now loosened in their vice like grip that wanted to keep them closed for all eternity. Finally my body was responding. It wasn't much; I still couldn't open my eyes, but it was a start. Perhaps it was the mention of Kakashi that Naruto made.

"When you wake-up I have something I want to show you. I made it just for you, "He whispered, planting a small kiss on my cheek. Just then the door to my room flew open. I heard it bounce off the wall, followed by heavy footsteps. It must be one of the nurses that Naruto snuck away from. Naruto quickly flinched away most likely. He was probably standing there in that hospital gown crouched in a cowering position, legs far apart, hands stuck in front of him defensively, looking for any way out.

"Naruto! You're not supposed to be out of bed. I still ordered for you to have at least one more day of bed rest!" came Tsunade's booming voice. I would be glowering fear if that tone were directed at me, flinching at every word.

"Oh come on Old Lady Tsunade! I just wanted to see Sakura-chan!" Naruto yelled.

"But I specifically told you to rest! You have no idea how hurt you were Naruto." Her voice became a tab bit softer.

"Che, cummon! I feel so much better thanks to Sakura-chan! She did a great job fixing me up," Naruto eagerly said. Well at least someone appreciated my skills. I wish I could smile, but I was inwardly, anyway.

"Naruto…" Tsunade was probably shaking her head slowly, crossing her slender arms over her round chest. She was probably tapping a foot, a delicate flaxen brow arched upward while she looked at Naruto incredulously. "You must listen to the nurses. They know what is best for your health."

"Che." Naruto huffed. "I can take care of myself. I'm not a kid anymore."

"But your acting like one!"

"Whatever," He heard a few footsteps, "I'm outta here. Tell me when she wakes up."

I felt the stinging winter air as Naruto snapped the window open. Is he really gonna go out in just a hospital gown? I had to see this…

I just have to see it. I willed for my eyes to open. Then, I felt them flutter a bit, but they still felt like they weighed a ton.

Cummon open…Please open…

"Naruto look." I heard Tsunade gasp.

Open, Open….Open!

* * *

**Well this was actually kinda short compared to the last chapter. I pretty much wrote this for comic relief. The story seems a bit too sad. I enjoyed writing and it served as a basis to introduce more characters to the story. I'm excited about that because it means I'm actually breaking some ground with this story. Thanks for reading. Now go inspire me with a review. The more I get the faster I update. Fair, right?**

**Don't own Naruto.**


	6. Life Goes on

**Chapter 6**

"Naruto look." I heard Tsunade gasp.

Open, Open….Open!

-

Everything was a blurry haze, nothing coming into focus. "No way! Sakura-chan…" I heard Naruto gasp, breathlessly. I could hear the faint smile in his voice. I'm glad he was smiling. He needed to not be sad on my account.

"Sakura?" I heard Tsunade's astonished voice call faintly. The speckled blue white of the hospital ceiling came into focus. My eyes squinted, not used to the blinding winter sunlight. Finally my body obeyed, my eyes were finally opened!

"Hey," I said, but no sound came, except for a small faint whisper that I could barely hear myself.

-

"So I called for Tsunade…" Ino paused, getting a hold of herself before she began again, "I'm just so glad you're okay! I was so worried…" I nodded, smiling reassuringly to her. I looked at her for a moment, noticing she was a bit plumper in certain areas, mainly her belly. Her hair was pale blonde, held back with a small bun that was perfectly set on top her head. Her pale blue eyes glistened with unshed tears; understandably she was more emotional due to her …newfound plumpness. Shikamaru was behind her a lazy smile on his lips, hands placed lovingly on her shoulders. He lazy brown eyes drooped lazily as he looked to me with a small, content smile on his lips. His brown hair was tied at the nape of his neck, with a small beard that grew form his chin, pointed at the end just like his father's.

"Sakura-san," Hinata's chim-chime voice sang. I slowly turned my eyes to her. It had been at least three months since I had actually taken time to look at her thoroughly. She turned into a tall, willowy girl, with haunting lavender eyes surrounded by the thickest lashes that would make any girl blush with envy, midnight blue hair framed her ethereally pale face, which was deathly beautiful with perfect shell pink lips, a button nose, and slightly pronounced cheekbones. Hinata was a vision of beauty. "I'm so glad you're alright." She smiled, showing the most pure sincerity.

Naruto stood behind her, obviously off in his own little world. His foot rested upon the wall, arms crossed over his broad chest, and eyes hooded. Tsunade stood beside Ino. She leaned down to eye level with me, taking my hand into hers. "You gave us all such a scare," She said to me with a mother's affection lacing her tone.

"How long?" my voice cracked with the question.

"Since the first… Christmas is only a week away. I hope you'll be up and about by then," Hinata explained, again smiling deeply, fiddling nervously with her hands, eyes cast slightly to the floor. Tsunade pulled back from me, letting go of my hand. She stepped away, covering her mouth as she coughed a bit. I peered at her, deeply concerned, as did everyone else.

"You alright?" Shikamaru asked, patting her shoulder slightly, with a bored looked on his face, but his eyes shone with concern.

"Yes," she coughed a bit more, maybe it was a laugh. I wasn't too sure. "Yes, I'm fine just a cold," She tried to stifle the next, "I'll be back in a bit Sakura-chan." She smiled back to me weakly, heading towards the door.

"Oh but Tsunade-sama you must be too sick to go out in that awful weather. Please, let Shikamaru and I walk you home," Ino offered, already grabbing her brown winter coat, wobbling on her feet. Shikamaru rushed over to Ino to help steady her.

"That's nonsense. Stay here with Sakura-chan," Tsunade merely said before breaking into another fit of coughs. She held her stomach the strain obviously making her stomach twist.

"Tsunade-sama," I whispered, deeply worried. She's too sick to be up and around. Always trying to take care of others before herself, not caring about her own health, that was the life a medical ninja vowed to live. It was an unwritten vow that we all took: Always put the welfare of others before yourself.

"Are you all right?" Hinata gasped, reaching for the hunched over Hokage, who was using the doorframe for support. Tsunade just tried to wave off her helping hand, standing straight, brushing off her gray pants. I couldn't help but notice the darkening bags under eyes, which was offset with the sickly pallor of her skin.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," She assured everyone, "Miss Yamanaka I'd rather you stay here, in the warm."

"Oh well… At least let Shikamaru help you home, Tsunade-sama," Ino exclaimed, glancing at Shikamaru, who still had a bored expression.

"It'd be no problem at all," Shikamaru said with a lazy tone, stifling a yawn. Tsunade was too stubborn to take the help. Just as she was about to decline, I spoke, "Please Tsunade-sama?" It was but just a small cracked whisper, but it seemed to grab the attention of everyone in the room. Tsunade looked at me with tired honey eyes. They were hard, but they softened the longer she gazed at me. I peered intently back at her. I wasn't going to let her stubbornness risk her health.

"Alright," She sighed. Soon enough she nodded, letting Shikamaru take her back to Hokage Tower. Ino smiled triumphantly, watching the two leave out the door. As the two left, the room was eerily silent. It was so quiet you could hear a pen drop. I peered at the blond haired man that stayed in the shadows of the wall, gazing at me intently. Hinata shifted uncomfortably on her heals, while Ino stood from her seat, with a small wobble in her step.

"Uhm, Hinata why don't we go for some food. I'm really craving some…chocolate," Ino said happily, glancing at the young Hyuga.

Hinata nodded softly, "Yes." She offered the blond her elbow. Just as they were almost out the door Ino turned to me, giving a sad smile, "We'll be back in a bit." I nodded, my emerald gaze not leaving Naruto's trifling stare. I felt he was scrutinizing me, every fiber of my being. I shifted uncomfortably, breaking the intense stare down. Ino closed the door softly with a click. With that click, Naruto bounced from the wall, heading toward my side. His body was rigid, his eyes never leaving mine as he caught my gaze once more. Naruto's shining azure eyes bore into the very depths of soul, threatening to tear me apart. He was mad, for what I did not know. I flinched a bit when the back of his calloused hand touched the contour of my face. My eyes scrunched shut, and then I felt the pad of his thumb softly sweep a lock of hair from my face. Slowly, I opened my eyes, to see that he stood over me, his eyes hooded, glassy with tears. He was so close I could smell his spicy forest scent; I could see the stubble on his chin, feel his sweet breath on my face, as he spoke in a broken voice, "Sakura-chan… I was so worried… How? Did you do it on purpose?" I felt a salt tear drop to my face.

"Did I do what, Naruto-kun?" I whispered.

"Jump in the river," he breathed. I shook my head side to side slowly. Suddenly, I found his arms encircling me in a breathtaking embrace. His shoulders shook with his weeping. I slowly touched his back with a comforting hand, patting the rough material of his Jounin vest that he rarely wore.

"I thought I lost another team mate, Sakura-chan. I thought I lost…" He trailed off when his voice was caught in a heart wrenching sob. I had never seen the blond cry before, even when he was a child, being scorned by the very people that adored his father. He always took everything in stride, maybe crying when no one else was around. There was always that idiotic grin on his face, but oh the pain he must've faced day to day. Naruto never knew the love of a parent, the touch of a mother, the guidance of a father. He never had someone to take care of him when he was sick, never had anyone to tuck him in at night when the lightening scared him. The boy was always alone, learning about life all by himself. All those years no one even glanced twice his way, even me…

-

"Oh, mom I need to go back to the academy. I left something there," I said to my mom. She gazed down at me with a smile, "Alright, but be careful." She ruffled my hair, chuckling as I tried to duck away from the touch. Why did people always ruffle my hair?

"I'll be here, then. Hurry along. You're dad comes home today," She called to me as I clumsily ran back the dirt path that led to the doors of the academy. I slowed down as I came to the wooden gate, which led into the back. I slowly pushed the worn-wood back with my hands, glancing in to see if anyone was there, and sure enough there was Naruto sitting on the swing, gazing into the window, where Iruka-sensei was sitting at his desk grading papers. When he heard the creak of the gate, he gazed in my direction, smiling a toothy grin when he spotted me standing shyly behind the gate.

"Heya Sakura-chan!" He said enthusiastically, jumping off the swing, "What're you doing back here this late?" I looked him up and down. His appearance was sloppy. He wore a pale blue shirt bearing the Leaf emblem and a pair of dark green shorts with standard shinobi footwear, which looked a size too big and much too worn.

"Eh, none of your business, "I turned from his advance, "You're so annoying Naruto!" Naruto looked at me with questioning eyes, always oblivious. "You're so nosey! You know that?" I shouted. He blinked a couple of times, bewildered at my outburst. He chuckled nervously, bringing his hand up to scratch the back of his head.

"Well. I better get going. I got important stuff to do, "He said happily. But now that I think about it, there was always just a slight sadness in his voice.

"Yeah, sure," I mumbled, walking briskly past him.

I regret that I always treated him like that…

-

"Don't worry I'm here." Now my voice was laced with sadness and regret. How could I think that death would be the right escape from the pain that always bore its sharp fangs in my heart? How, when I was in my last few moments before the black overtook me, could I think that it was a cure to that aching?

Naruto pulled back, his hand grasping my shoulders for dear life, "Why did you ever go out? Why? Sakura, I could have lost you." There was a deep pain in his voice that was clouded with sadness.

"I was trying to make it feel better, "I whispered.

"Make what feel better?"

"This," I put his hand to my heart, intertwining my fingers with his, "This right here, an aching pain that will not just…"

"That won't just go away…" Naruto said.

I nodded, "No matter how hard I try. I push away all the painful memories, but they always come back and tear me in half, haunting me, Naruto. I try to work harder. I try to push myself away from the world, but nothing ever works," I sobbed. He embraced me again, cradling my head to his chest.

"Is that really how you've been feeling this whole time, Sakura-chan?" He inquired delicately.

"Yes." I answered, meekly. I concentrated on his steady heartbeat while he made to sit on the edge of my bed, never breaking the embrace. Soon enough my sobs and his broke into whimpers, his steady heart beat lulling me into a dreamless sleep, my body exhausted from my break-down.

-

"I'm ready to get out of here," I groaned to Naruto. He just chuckled, glancing at Hinata who stood by the door, jacket in hand. She smiled cheerily at him, even blushing slightly. I looked at the exchange with innate amusement.

"Well let's get you out of here then, "Ino said as she cheerily entered the room. I got up from the bed, stretching like a cat, starting to walk out of the room. As I was walking, I felt a firm grip on my arm that prevented me from walking any farther. Ino gazed at me with a disapproving look, waving her hand to the wheelchair that sat beside the bed, a blanket draped over its back.

"Oh, no way!"

"Oh yes. You're still not walking anywhere. You don't have all of your strength back, and we're not taking any chances with you Sakura-chan," Naruto said, while walking the short distance, taking my shoulders into his hands, pushing my rigid body into the chair.

"I will not ride in that…thing, "I muttered, struggling to get out of Naruto's firm grasp. "Get off me! I can walk just fine on my own," and with that I finally broke free of Naruto's grasp, walking slowly past him. I took no more than two steps when I wobbled on my feet, almost falling to the cold linoleum of the hospital floor if it hadn't been for Naruto's steadying embrace.

"See now. Just get in the chair. The sooner you do, the sooner we can get you safely to your apartment," Ino explained.

"Fine, "I muttered, letting Naruto ease me into the chair, and watching as Ino draped the yellow blanket across my lap.

Naruto pushed me through the halls of the hospital while Ino and Hinata followed in suit. I hid my face behind my hand. This was so embarrassing. Once again I was too weak to even walk through the hospital. My coworkers scurried along in the halls, a few giving a small wave, others ignoring me. A few greeted me and politely asked how I was or expressing how glad they were that I was alright. I gave weak smiles, trying to brush off all the attention. This just sucks…

I finally noticed that Shikamaru was not there to help the wobbling Ino; instead it was the well trusted Hinata, who hovered beside her, in case she needed someone to lean upon when she got winded.

"Where is Shikamaru?" I asked to the glowing Ino. She pursed her lips, tapping her forehead, as if trying to remember.

"Oh, yeah!" She exclaimed, pointing a finger up at nothing in particular, "He's out with Choji running some last minute errands. It is Christmas Eve after all, "She finished with a smile.

"Oh yea…I never got to go shopping for any of you," I furrowed my brow.

"Oh don't worry about us. We're just all glad your okay. You're being around is a great gift, "Hinata said reassuringly.

"Yeah, Sakura-chan!" Ino and Naruto replied.

-

Naruto helped up the stairs, while Hinata helped the awfully pregnant Ino. As we ascended the stairs a knot formed in my stomach. I was going home, back to my nest where memories of Kakashi wafted all about me. When we reached the door, I was loathing the moment when everyone would have to leave to their own parties for the holiday. I leaned on Naruto as he grabbed the key that I hid not so discretely; he knew where it was of course because I told him he was always welcome here, whether I was there or not. It was needless to have locks on door when any seven year old that attended the academy could perform a simple jutsu to tear down the door, but I guess it added just a needed sense of security. He placed the key back and slowly opened the door.

I stepped over the threshold with Naruto right there behind me. Even with all the memories it was just so good to be home. I flipped on the switch that was to the left of the door. The yellow dim light filled the room, leaving me to gasp in surprise.

"Surprise!" I heard everyone shout.

"Merry Christmas Sakura-chan!" Naruto shouted cheerfully, carefully leading me to the stool by the bar that separated my kitchen and living room. My eyes wandered around the room, looking at the carefully placed Christmas decorations that littered my little apartment. There were snowmen on my coffee table, garlands of red and white flowers hung from my counters. In the corner right by the huge window that gave me an incredible lit up Hokage Mountain was the hugest tree I'd ever seen in my apartment. It was filled with all the light-blue and silver decorations, which once belonged to my mother and a few I had collected or someone had given to me. The lights twinkled beautifully, and under the tree sat beautifully wrapped presents that were addressed not only to me, but everyone else in the room as well.

I gazed at the yawning Shikamaru who was getting up from the couch and heading over to the beaming Ino. Choji still sat on the couch with a bag of caramel pop corn cradled in his arms; looking as I always remembered him… only just a bit more muscular. He smiled happily at me.

"What it is all this?" I gasped.

"It's for you Sakura-san. We wanted you to have a great Christmas," Hinata paused, glancing at Naruto with her deep lavender eyes, "It was his idea that we do this."

Naruto smiled, draping his arm casually over Hinata's shoulders, "But she decorated everything." Hinata smiled shyly, slightly leaning into Naruto's touch. So he finally got a clue, huh?

"And I helped," Ino paused, "Well… we all did," Ino finished by pointing at Shikamaru, who mumbled something about how troublesome the tree was, and Choji, who started to stand from the couch.

"So what are we waiting for? Let's open up those presents!" Shouted Choji, running a hand through his auburn hair as he placed his bag of popcorn down, heading over to the tree, grabbing the first present that was from him to Shikamaru.

So our night consisted of cheerful holiday banter as we exchanged gifts and hugs. My bounty was a red blouse from Ino, a small hair-band to go with the shirt from Hinata, a shogi set from Shikamaru who said he wanted to face the most intelligent person in the village, aside from himself, of course, and cake that Choji baked himself.

The last gift I opened was from Naruto.

"I hope you like it," He said delicately, as he watched me tear at the red wrapping paper.

"Of course I will," I smiled as I said it. I will always love you're gifts Naruto… The last bits of paper swayed to the floor. I looked at what lay in my lap; I fingered the outside lazily, my hand grazing over the picture of Team seven.

"A photo album…" I whispered, opening to the first page, which was a note.

To my Sweet Sakura:

I wanted you to have my Christmas present should I not come back in time for the holiday. I hope you enjoy reliving all these fond memories that I placed lovingly in the book just for you.

Love Always, Kakashi

"He gave it to me just for you Sakura-chan," Naruto said soothingly, as he sat beside me, his arm draped over my shoulders. Tears pooled in my eyes threatening to fall. The first picture I saw made the dam break…

It was of us three years ago at one of the Hyuga Clan's extravagant parties. I was clad in a simple red dress with black heals with little make-up on my face. Kakashi was dressed in a casual button-up shirt and a pair of shinobi paints, he said he couldn't leave his house without. He still wore his mask. We stood together hand in hand, my head resting on his chest, his on my head. He had a small eye crinkle while I had a big toothy grin.

"I forgot this was taken of us," I whispered, running my hand across the picture.

"I found in film I hadn't got developed. I gave it to him," Hinata explained, with a small, sad smile on her delicate face.

I nodded and then flipped the glossy page. The next was of me and Naruto the day he caught his first fish. We were both wet, Naruto's pants rolled up to his knees, hair matted to his face, as he held the struggling fish in his arms. I sat in the back ground, laughing. Naruto let out a small chuckle.

"I was so proud of that fish…" He trialed off. Hinata put a reassuring hand on his. I nodded, flipping the page.

It was a picture of Kakashi in his shuriken boxers and me in…. I felt my face flush, the tears in my eyes quickly drying up. Ino gave out a hearty laugh as did Shikamaru.

Naruto and Hinata looked at me incredulously…

"No wonder he told me to never look inside," Naruto breathed.

"Heh," I managed to say.

-

"10…9…8…"

I sat inside the Hyuga mansion ballroom clad in a black dress, with black flats, that were comfortable. There was no make-up present on my face much to Ino's digression as she went all out with cherry red lip-stick and shimmering eye shadow.

"I may be pregnant, but I still put more effort in all this than you and Hinata combined!" she told me, as she dressed in a white dress that hugged her body in all the right places, showing just a tad of cleavage, and it went to about her knees.

"Oh. Ino-san I think Sakura-san looks great!" Hinata smiled. She had sat on her over stuffed bed wearing a navy halter top dress, that set off with her eyes perfectly, and gave her alabaster skin a certain glow, while strapping on her shoe.

I watched the candle at our table that was right next to the head of the Hyuga table where Naruto sat with Hinata and her father, along with Neji, who picked absent mindedly at his food, while everyone counted down to the New Year. Of course Tsunade sat there as well, surprisingly not bothering with the drink that one of the Hyuga butlers had placed by her plate. Choji sat at my table along with Tenten and Rock Lee, who has been trying desperately all night to dance with him. I, turned him down, claiming I was in no mood for a go on the dance floor, suggesting that he might ask Tenten. She was, after all, quite the catch now. She had almond eyes set in a round-face, and long slender body that bumped out in all the right places, which was even more extenuated with the silky material of the Chinese-style dress she wore, giving her almost a feline appearance. Rock Lee of course was an exact replica of Might Guy and still lived up to Naruto's nickname of 'Bushy Brows'.

"7…6…5…"

I tapped my fingers on the table, watching the grand clock like everyone else. I slowly glanced to the seat beside me where Kakashi should be sitting if he was here. I could imagine him there, with an Icha Icha book, our fingers intertwined, preventing him from flipping the page, not that he was exactly looking at the words on the page. He would be gazing lovingly at me, a small crease in his eyes where he would be smiling behind his ever present navy mask, which I would rip off as soon as we made it back at either of our apartments, in a heated passion…

"4…3…2…"

"Please Sakura," Rock Lee begged me once more.

"No, I'm sorry," I muttered, glancing over at Naruto who began to get up in these final seconds. Hinata stood with him. He had her slender hand in his. They gave each other an intense stare into each other's eyes. I smiled as I watched as Naruto fiddled in his pocket, coming out with a small velvet box. I saw happy tears in Hinata's eyes as Naruto declared his love, me watching with joyful eyes as I saw Naruto mouth the words every girl wanted to hear: "Will you marry me?" Everyone else shouted "ONE!" Hinata cried out with a 'yes', Naruto standing back up to embrace her, kissing one another as if no one else was there.

-

"I'm so happy for you guys," I said to the happy couple. Hinata practically glowed, when Naruto had his arms around her. They were so perfect together. A couple destined to last forever. Naruto grinned with the utmost content. He was happy where he was, and I was happy for him, after all, I always wanted him to be happy with the one he loved. A flash of Kakashi came to me when ever he gazed at Hinata; it was the same way he used to look at me.

"Congratulations," Ino gushed over the happy couple, already trying to drag Hinata away to discuss wedding plans. Shikamaru patted Naruto on the shoulder, as did Choji, both congratulating him. Rock Lee gave a long speech about how beautiful the young couple looked, wishing them the best luck.

I looked at the sight with a mixture of happiness and sadness. It almost seemed like I didn't fit into the happy scene that played out before. They all looked as though they were the happiest people in the world. Hinata glowed, filled with more love than any girl I'd ever seen before. Naruto looked very content with his newfound love. Shikamaru and Ino stood together, ready to bring in a new boy or girl to the world that would fill their lives with an unrequited bliss. Rock Lee, even, seemed to be happy, with Tenten as he twirled her gracefully on the dance floor. Choji was happy to be with his father, pigging out on all the delicacies that the party provided.

I was the only one who wasn't truly happy. Maybe I shouldn't be here right now. They don't need me spoiling their fun. I turned, ready to walk away.

"Quite the sight isn't it?" I heard Tsunade's voice say from behind me. I turned around, gazing at her in surprise. "It's almost like we don't fit in."

"Yeah," I muttered.

"You know Kakashi wouldn't want to see you like this?" She whispered in my ear.

"Likewise. Jiraiya would want you to be happy, Tsunade-sama," I said back. She nodded.

"I know," She smiled sadly, fingering her green jacket, which covered the pale yellow dress she wore.

"Can we go…Somewhere else?" I asked in a small voice. She nodded, walking past me to a pair of French doors that led to a small balcony that over-hung the beautiful pine forest that surrounded the Hyuga mansion. I pulled the shawl on my shoulders when the winter chill hit my skin, resting my elbows on the stone railing, sighing. Tsunade did the same beside me, staring off into the distance with a sad smile painted on her lips, "Sakura, I think it's time I named a beneficiary to the Hokage position."

* * *

So this is probably my favorite chapter. I had fun exploring the different characters' personalities. I hope I kept them close to the way they should be with still a pinch of my personal touches on them. Keep in mind this is set in the future and they're all grown up, so people change over the years. I'm not sure but I think that I may only be able to update once maybe twice before Christmas.

So Happy holidays. Please review! They keep the creative juices flowing and I really look forward to reading your thoughts as the reader. That is what authors strive on.


	7. A Jaded Village

**Cahpter 7**

**Jaded**

* * *

"But I thought only…" Only the elders could do it. I just couldn't bring myself to say it. These were the secret rulers of The Village Hidden in the Leaves, the ones who unknowingly held every villager's fragile lives in their hands. By their simple word a person, no, a whole clan could be killed, wiped from history. This was information that not even the Hokage herself knew I had. I bit my bottom lip as she stood there, brows furrowed, waiting for me to explain myself.

"Only what?" She inquired softly.

"Oh, nothing…" I trailed off looking back to the pine forest, finding it suddenly fascinating.

I could still feel her gaze on me.

So we stood there in silence, listening to the soft sounds of the winter winds rustling though the pines, making them sway in a mesmerizing way. My thoughts took an unexpected turn.

Sasuke.

I haven't thought about him in such a long time. Last time I saw him he was… taking his last breaths.

-

The sun set on the horizon gave the land a haunting orange cast. The sky receded seemingly into orange and purple clouds. The air was just beginning to cool. I stood there yanking the head band I kept tied on my wrist, running to the bloody heap on the ground. Naruto's voice rang though my ear, causing me to jerk off the ear phone that Kakashi entrusted me with before.

"Sakura! Sakura where…" that was all I heard of the shouting voice.

The ground was deep with muck from the cascade of water that fell from the sky earlier that day. My shoes sank into the ground with every step I took, making it too difficult to run fast. Of course I could've used chakra to help me stay on top of the soft earth, but I had none to spare. It was all for him. I would not let him die. I tore off my shoes, flinging them behind me so I could run faster.

I pushed my exhausted self forward trying to get to the form that lay on his back, his onyx gaze traveling to the magnificent sky. His hair was a shade darker, matted with his blood. He weakly reached his hand out, whispering words I could not hear. "Sakura…" I heard him hitch as blood came spewing from his mouth.

I was at his side, crouching, grabbing his hand. He weakly used it to cradle my face. I leaned softly into the touch. For some reason tears were not falling from my eyes. Somehow I knew this was meant to be. I looked at his battered body, his bare chest, smeared in his blood. I looked at his peaceful face, the delicate curve of his nose, his blood red eyes.

"I can't see, but I wish I could. It's black. All of it is black… no light," he said with a hoarse voice. I put my finger to his lips.

"Please Sasuke-kun don't talk. I can…"

"No. It's my time…" he trailed off.

"But I can heal you," I croaked. I gently dropped his hand beginning to concentrate the last of my healing chakra.

"Sakura, I must tell you something, something that has been on my mind for a long time," He paused, weakly searching for my hands. "Please, just listen to me. Don't use your chakra to heal me."

"But…"

"Listen."

"Alright."

My eyes travelled to the ninja weapons that were jabbed hatefully in his side. "Please talk to me I can still heal you while you talk to me." I wrapped my hand around the handle of the kunai jabbed in his side and pulled. He grunted painfully.

"Sorry," I mumbled. I took the medical kit from my side, whipping out gauze and other items

"Please don't," He whispered.

"I can't just sit here and not do anything Sasuke! Just talk to me. … Tell me what you want to say." I yelled. He went silent. I watched as there was a crease forming in his brow. I tried to clean the wound as best I could, stitching it up slightly with my chakra. I couldn't just leave him to die no matter what he wanted. It was my job to save lives, and I would do everything to save him. His chest heaved as he took on another violent fit of coughs.

"That day Itachi and I fought," He voice was hoarse, "Were you ever informed about what happened in that fight Sakura?"

"No," I replied, hearing him let out a slight grunt as I pulled out a senbon needle.

"I killed him. I got the revenge I so desperately wanted. I avenged the death of my clan," He sputtered blood from his mouth when stopped talking.

"Oh Sasuke…" I couldn't stand to see him like this when just months ago I saw the boy healthy and full of life. Now he lay here before me in a bloody heap. I worked diligently on him ignoring his weak protests. The concentrated chakra at my fingertips scanned his body for eternal injuries. Liver….damaged, Lungs….right one damaged….Heart…. barely beating. The loss of blood was great. There was nothing I could do here on the field.

No…

The soft green light at my finger tips flickered.

"No…" My voice quivered, "Sasuke no…" This can't be it.

"But then I was taken under Madara Uchiha's care… He nursed me back to health and told me the truth… "He trailed off.

"The truth?" The inquired softly, forcing every last bit of chakra I had to my finger tips.

"The night that the massacre happened…" He coughed weakly, "I saw Itachi crying. There in the night when he told me to live to hate him… I thought I saw a tear. I dismissed it as a wishful thought. But after I fought him—"He smiled. He stopped in mid thought and gave just a weak smile.

The soft green light flickered out, just as a candle after it was blown.

"No…" I croaked, "No. No. NO!" I gripped his hand, feeling the blood splatter my face. My body heaved with cries that I thought I could keep under control. If only I had more chakra. I could've saved Sasuke.

"The Konoha Elders ordered the destruction of my clan."

I looked at him still with tears in my eyes. My body shook with anger and sadness. "What are you saying? " There was no way that this could be true. Itachi was the bad guy. He was always the bad guy. He was a murderer. He was the man listed as an S-class criminal in the Bingo Book. And Konoha…My beloved village, which I fight to protect, cannot have ordered such a thing.

"They were afraid of my clan's powers, Sakura. They wanted us dead, so that we would not pose a threat for supremacy." He replied my question. I dropped his hand roughly.

"No You're lying! The Konoha elders --"

"Believe it, Sakura!" He weakly yelled it, then wretched with coughs.

I shook my head back and forth. "You're lying," I whimpered over and over. Faintly I felt a soft touch on my shoulder. I looked through my blurry eyes and saw a distorted Naruto.

"Sakura…" He trailed off when I jerked away from his touch. I stumbled forward, falling into something hard but warm.

"Are you alright?" It was Kakashi. "Sakura!" He shook my shoulders.

"He's lying!" I shouted, jerking from him, stumbling backwards, falling beside the weak Sasuke.

"You're lying," I said weakly, reaching my hand to his face. I cradled his clammy cheek in my hand.

"No…I'm not," He reached out with a shaky hand, "Sakura… I'm not …lying."

"Sasuke?" I heard Naruto ask. "Sasuke are you… Is he alright?"

"No," I whispered, watching as Sasuke's trembling hand fell limply to the muddy ground, "No, Naruto he's not." He's dead.

The sun set and darkness wrapped all around us, around Team 7. Together at last…

-

His last words… On his last breath he said he wasn't lying and I believed him. I believe him to this day. That's why I hate Konoha. That's why I hate all its lies, its deceit. I hate the brain washing, the words of false hope.

"A shinobi must always put his country first." That was something Iruka-sensei always used to tell me. Why do we put a country before ourselves, our family, and our comrades, that can't even tell a simple truth?

I sighed. "Who did you have in mind?"

Tsunade looked at me for a moment, "I need you to meet me in my office Tuesday morning at 9 AM sharp?" It was an order.

"Yes, Tsunade-sama." I hate orders.

-

On Monday morning I found myself, at the modest Ichiraku's, slowly slurping a bowl of ramen. The steaming noodles burned my tongue, but I didn't care. Teuchi cooked diligently in the back where the noodles were sizzling. It smelt so delicious.

Tsunade never did answer my question. The only thing she said in reply was to meet at Hokage Tower at nine in the morning tomorrow. Why? I didn't understand. Perhaps it's a mission?

I felt the warm wind float in to the small corner restaurant when the flap was raised. The winter was short in Fire Country. It had officially turned spring as of yesterday and the weather quickly changed to oblige the new rainy season. Today it was comfortably warm, and I relished it. Truly, I loathed the cold weather.

The red flap fell and I felt a familiar presence behind me.

"Well hello there Sakura," I heard him say cheerily. I nodded my head up slightly, quickly swallowing the noodles in my mouth.

"Hi Iruka-san." I forced a small smile. He took a seat beside me. Ayame quickly scribbled down his order, giving it to her busy dad in the back.

"Sake? This early?" I mumbled. He sheepishly looked at me scratching the back of his head.

"Mhm," he chuckled nervously as Ayame walked back with his order. I glanced at him as he poured the sake into the creamy colored dish. I've never actually seen him drink. It was new to me. He turned straight to me, eyeing me carefully. I just moved my hair that the side to block my view of him. I really wasn't in the mood.

"Are you stressed Iruka-san? I've never really seen you with a dink." I explained quickly, not wanting him to take any offence to my observation.

"Might be the last one I have in a while," He said solemnly turning back to the counter, staring at his untouched bowl of steaming noodles. "I figured I should treat myself today." He finished with a smile in his voice. I watched as he took apart his chop-sticks and started slurping the noodles. I looked him over. He was looking the same as always. His mud brown hair was tied in the back his Leaf head band cover his forehead. His skin was tan, freckles present on the tops of his arms and face; his figure was a bit wirier then I remembered it. I saw him finger the frays of the green flack jacket.

"Mission?" I asked, knowing the answer. I often did the same as he did. I always treated myself to the best of Konoha before I left on a lengthy mission. Most of us did because we didn't know if that would be our last time ever experiencing those things we loved most.

"Yeah," he sighed, and then downed another cup of sake. I nodded, slightly smiling at him. I dug in my small change purse looking for the necessary amount to hand to Ayame.

"What kind?" I asked.

"A- rank. Maybe with S-rank difficulty, "He replied softly. I was taken aback. Iruka never went on missions ranked so high. Even if he was a Jounin now, Tsunade always kept him around to look after the academy students. After all, any kid seemed to take to Iruka-san more than they would any of the other ninja in the village. It was possibly because he was so kind and warm-hearted.

"When do you leave Iruka-san?" I heard myself say.

He glanced at the clock on the wall. "Thirty."

"Ah…" My gaze trailed down and noticed the traveling pack nestled at his side. "Good luck." I want you to come back…

"Oh, don't look so down! When I come back let's get the whole group together and have a club night!" He smiled with his pearly lights in full show. I nodded slowly, smiling.

"Alright."

-

I let my feet take the familiar path to the memorial. My eyes wandered to the sky dotted with grey clouds. It was going to rain soon. The wind picked up from just a small breeze to something stronger; it blew my hair about, making it flap annoyingly around my face. I dug my hands into the hoody I wore, not liking the sudden change in the warm temperature that the winds brought with them.

Soon, I found myself peering into the flawless granite of the stone, the glossy surface reflecting back to me something I did not recognize. It was me, but then it wasn't. My hair was in disarray, my skin pale, and my clothes baggy, hanging off my thin form. My usually vibrant eyes were a dull jade.

This wasn't the Sakura I remembered. Perhaps over this past year and an half I never really took the time to take care of myself… My eyes trailed to the names etched into the surface.

Sasuke Uchiha… He was my teammate, my friend…

Kakashi Hatake… my lover.

Hideo and Yumi Haruno… my parents.

So many lives wasted… My loved ones gone.

"Hey Sakura," I heard a soft voice say. I didn't turn to acknowledge the bearer of the sad voice. Instead I studied her in the reflection of the stone. She wore a simple long sleeve dress, her pale blond tresses hung from her hard in a neat high ponytail. Her belly swelled a bit as she cradled it into hand with a small white lily in the other.

"Ino," I croaked, not recognizing the sound of my own voice. She stood behind me. My gaze flickered back down to Kakashi's name. Neither of us spoke for a while. We both stood peering to the glassy surface of the granite, eyes lingering on only the names that were important to us. Of course Ino had to be here to pay her respects to her fallen mentor, Asuma.

"I miss him," She whispered, finally coming beside me to lay down the delicate flower. She clasped her hands together in a small prayer, clapping once when she was done. I glanced at her for a moment as she stood back up beside me. The blond let out a sad sigh. My quick gaze automatically trailed back to Kakashi's name. Then it moved to my parents. Then to Sasuke's delicate name…

I still can't believe the way he died… It was horrid. The most gruesome thing I'd ever seen in all my years of being a shinobi. I know I'm supposed to not let such things bother me. My line of duty called for that… But… What they did to him, those ANBU, they stripped him of his pride…of everything he was proud of. Somehow he got away from it… Still, he was caught in a barrage of thrown weapons…

When I didn't speak she said my name softly.

Still nothing.

She tried again and got the same result. I heard the faint sound of a frustrated sigh and felt the shatter of a rain drop on my nose. "Rain," I all but whispered. Ino's heady glare was on me. Her hand grasped mine and she tugged at me a bit. My eyes lingered back to Kakashi's name, tracing the delicate lines carefully memorizing each stroke. It should not be there. No. It should not be there at all.

"Come on. There's some place I want to take you Sakura. It might be a bit exciting for you. I've wanted to take you for a while now and..." She trailed off, finally noticing I was not paying attention to her words at all.

Kakashi's not dead… Nope. He's not dead.

"Sakura? Please. The rain is picking up." Her voice faded out again. She tried tugging, but it didn't work. Some where in the background, I could feel the slight drizzle of rain. Then I didn't feel it all. Instead, I faintly heard the muffled sounds of the drops hitting an umbrella.

He's not dead… My eyes still look to his name, blurred by the raindrops.

"Sakura!" Ino finally yelled, snapping me back to reality.

"What is it? "I snapped back. I looked at her square in the face with an intense stare. She did not flinch an inch.

"I was telling you that I wanted to take you some place fun," She explained in a more snappy voice than she usually had. When I didn't reply she went on, "They do tarot readings and all other sorts of things. It's quite fun…" She trailed off when she saw the look of slight incredulity that adorned my face.

"Are you serious?" Is she serious? I lifted a brow and watched her. The blond put a finger to her chin and nodded smiling a bit.

Yep… She was serious….

-

We walked under the umbrella together into the more drabby part of Konoha. The streets were a bit smaller littered with random pieces of trash. The buildings were untidy and shabby looking. Most had crawling vines and meaningless graffiti was on others. Ino tugged at my arm, pulling my into a small alley way that was lit by a light. The door was heavy steel painted gray.

"Are you sure about this?" I inquired. It was very unlike Ino to be into such things. She was the more… uppity type of person, who wanted only the very best. That pale blond nodded, reaching past me to softly knock on the door. The rap echoed slightly. My shoulder tensed when my acute hearing heard stumbling inside followed by frustrated grumbling. I also heard light more trained footsteps that seemed to be making their way to the door. Their owner had a very faint chakra signature. A week ninja? Possible security? It seemed almost necessary consider the location… Only Konoha troublemakers lived in this part of town. Although they never seemed to make much trouble, as this is a village full of powerful ninja…

The door opened slightly, revealing a slight girl with dark hair and almond eyes. She looked very familiar. I placed her name quickly with the girl I met on my shopping spree last month. "Rui?"

"Sakura," She asked, arching an overly plucked brow, "Oh, Sakura it is you. How nice it is to meet you again."

"You know each other?" Ino said, placing her free hand on her hip. I nodded.

"Ino? Ino Yamanaka? Oh my goodness." Rui scratched the back of her head nervously. Ino looked at her with a blank expression. Rui was always a victim of Ino's badgering back in the academy.

"Well let them in?" I heard a raspy voice come from the back.

"Oh yes. Forgive me?" Rui replied softly bowing her head, waving for us to past the threshold. We did so. Ino snapped the umbrella shut, shaking off the water. I dug my hands into my hoody while gazing around the room. It was grandly decorated with an expensive looking Persian rug that was outlined in gold. The walls were a deep mahogany, adorned with many intimidating masks. The chairs seemed to bit too big for the room with plush cushions. Ino quickly sat in one after stripping herself of her sandals, sighing. The chair really did look very inviting.

"Please sit Sakura-san?" Rui smiled.

"Okay…" I muttered, copying what Ino did. I sat on the edge of the chair, letting my gaze rest on the on the opposite wall where there was an antique oak shelf that also seemed too large for the room. On it were many leather bound books, faded pictures set in wooden frames, and all other sorts of charms that were very unusual. I took in an unsteady breath. Ino looked at me with a big grin.

"Isn't this exciting?"

"Sure…" I mumbled. I heard shuffling and an older woman with a long skirt and a baggy white top glided in with a tray of tea. She was a rather small woman with snow white hair. Her skin was tan and wrinkled, make- up put on too heavily. I took in another small breath, and I smelt the faint sent of cheap perfume…. It made me think of that day I was out shopping… The woman that smiled at me over her shoulder, gazing at me when I went to pay for my things… Did I know her?

"So I'm feeling that you fine young women are here for a tarot reading?" She asked arching a black brow, taking a seat in the other chair. She laid the tea tray on the wooden coffee table, smiling a toothy grin. She offered me some, and I just mumbled small thanks, taking a sip of the bitter liquid out of courtesy.

Ino inched to the edge of her chair, "Oh you're good." Was she serious? Isn't this the lady's job. Of course we… well Ino… came here for a tarot reading. The blond pulled out a small amount of money giving it to the fortune teller. In turn the woman also handed the overly excited blond a steaming cup of tea.

"Rui," The woman snapped waving her bony index finger to the ebony haired woman that stood in the corner of the room with Ino's umbrella.

"Yes?" She asked timidly.

"My cards," She ordered in her throaty voice. Rui went to a small chest on the oak shelf, coming out with a small deck of delicate tarot cards. She quickly handed them to her boss obediently stepping back into her corner.

"Now," the woman began shuffling the cards as she spoke, "Shall we start miss…"

She looked at me expectantly for a name. When I did not answer Ino laughed nervously supplying her with the information, "Sakura Haruno. Sakura, this is Lady Leaf…"

"Oh. Please, Lady Agatha is fine." The busty woman said, gazing from Ino to me. She shuffled the small deck once more. "Now what you will do is pick three cards and lie them face down on the coffee table. The first you draw represents the past, the second the present, and the last the future."

I watched as she fanned out the cards, watching expectantly… I looked at her speculatively.

"Ino first," I said. Agatha stared at me for a moment, seeming to think about my request.

"Alright," she replied brightly. I smiled smugly, as Ino gazed at me a little peeved. Well, she should go first. It was her idea.

"Draw three cards please, Ino," Ino nodded, more excited than she was a moment ago. She bit her nail as she carefully picked her cards, laying them on the coffee table. When she was done she sat back in her chair inspecting her work. "Now to flip them."

"Oh, I hope it is a good fortune," Ino squealed. I looked at her with an arched brow. She hasn't been the enthused by something in a long time. She was like a giggling school girl. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say it is just her impending pregnancy.

I observed quietly as Agatha flipped the first card. It was of a man in red and white robes holding up his left arm towards the heavens with holy tools all around him. "So your past was filled with the pursuit of wisdom. You had all the proper tools for this wisdom but you did not know how to use them," Agatha explained to the perched Ino. Ino nodded indulging herself for a moment. Agatha then flipped the next card.

It was a woman with two burning candles on either side of her. "This card is the High Priestess, which means balance. Your life is very balanced in every aspect. How very positive…" Agatha trailed off, fingering the third card.

"Now for the fun," Ino said enthusiastically. Agatha flipped over the card carefully examining it with a smile. It was adorned with a woman in the most opulent robes and flowing red hair. She sat in a gold throne and appeared to be bearing a child. "The Empress. This represents love, abundance, nurturing, and pleasure. You have a very content future ahead for you Miss Ino."

Ino grinned from ear to ear rubbing her hand over her enlarged belly, peering, tenderly at it. Lady Agatha then turned to me while shuffling the cards. "Would like to have a go now Miss Sakura."

I looked at her for a moment. "Oh why not," I muttered slightly annoyed at Ino's idea at fun. I did not see the fun in an old woman telling me things I already knew. For now I would go along with the act though.

She fanned out the cards in her boney fingers. I quickly picked out three cards, and laid them none too carefully on the table. "Please be gentle. These cards are quite old," Agatha said sternly. I mumbled a quick apology. Agatha smiled, flipping the first card. It was a card with a man riding a grand chariot that was aimed for the heavens. "This is the Chariot card. It represents extreme focus and drive. You must be a very driven person. You may always want to get ahead of everyone else. Perhaps to impress them, so that they will not misjudge you as weak-minded or even weak physically…I can still sense that in you…" She trailed off when she found herself cast under my intense stare. I was in really no mood to be here. She shifted herself, carefully avoiding my gaze. "Well then the next is…" She flipped the next card.

An angel stood over various people holding his trumpet. I peered at it sort of interested. The angel had silver hair and a strong face. "Almost like Kakashi…" I found myself whispering. I clapped my hand to my mouth. Agatha looked at me for a moment. Her gaze made me feel quite unsettles. All the while a familiar pang tore in my chest. It took all I had in me not to double over.

"Are you alright, dear?" Agatha said, softly resting her hand on my back. My breathing became slightly labored, my vision blurry with tears. It's getting worse. The longer I go with out him. The worse it gets.

This can't go on any longer. I'm tired of this pain. A tear fell down my face.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of being weak.

"Sakura?" I heard Ino's gentle voice break my thoughts. A few moments went by, and still, I could not get my bearings. "Sakura! Seriously talk to me! You're worrying me!"

She said it in a frantic voice. I quickly swiped at the tears rolling down my face, pretending to be alright. The tearing my chest still continued, as everyone in the room looked at me with worried expressions. I plastered the best smile I could on my face. I knew they knew it was fake… "Please go on."

But I didn't care.

Agatha peered at me, nodding slowly. "This is the judgment card. What an interesting card this is…" She trailed off peering at the delicate hand-painted tarot. No one uttered a word. Ino shifted impatiently in her chair, "Well…What does it mean?"

Agatha eyed her for a moment. Then she peered back to the card, only glancing at me for just a brief moment before she spoke. "This chapter of your life is about to end. There will be a time of realization. A time where you realize that you decide what happens in your life." She then flipped the next card all too eagerly. I saw her tense a moment, and then relaxed with a soft sigh. Her mood shifted quickly. I knew Ino noticed as well because she was paying complete attention. The most prominent item on the card was the jolt of lightening.

"The tower card," she paused to think, tapping her chin,"You're about to have the shock of you're life. You're going to find out a truth that you will not accept."

* * *

I'm so sorry about the long wait, but I couldn't decide what a I wanted to do..I wrote a very long chapter that ended at about 10 pages to make up for it. As for the tarot reading. I really had no idea what I was talking about. I just looked on Wikipedia and got a very vague summary of tarot meanings and the simple three card lay-out I used. It was more of a foreshadowing tool than anything. Well I hope you enjoyed. Leave some feedback!


	8. The First of a Long Mission

**Chapter 8**

**Jaded**

* * *

"Sakura behind you!" I heard Naruto's shrill voice above me.

"Wha-"There was a glint of light. There it was as plane as day. It sliced through the air at blinding speed. I only had mere seconds or I would be dead. I tried to will my hand to move, but it did nothing.

Frozen with fear.

I shut my eyes tight, bracing for the hit, the slicing of the delicate flesh. I waited.

Waited…

A few more seconds. Then in a heart-beat, I heard a deep grunt. I felt a warm liquid splatter my face. One eye opened and I let out a feral scream.

No… Kakashi no…

"Kakashi!" I ran to him, concentrating healing chakra to my hands. I ripped his ANBU uniform off him, the delicate spandex standing no chance to my adrenaline rush. I quickly put my hands over the wound, surveying the damage.

His breath was a bit jagged, but he managed a laugh.

He would be alright. Relief filled my body. "Sakura, it's just a cut…"

"Shut it Hatake!" I said, biting back the lump that caught in my throat. I looked at his face as I finished closing the wound that missed his heart by mere centimeters. He saved my life once again…

"He's alright? You're alright?" Naruto jumped from his perch on his tree and was now standing beside his wounded captain. His cool blue eyes shone with genuine concern.

"Fine," I muttered.

I woke up with a jolt.

_Beep… Beeep……Beeeeep. _My hand found the button on the alarm clock, slamming it into silence. I lay there for a moment sighing. The dream had me shaking. That day I thought I lost Kakashi due to my own weakness, my own stupidity. It was my first mission out as a Jounin. S-Class…

He never reported that incident. Naruto never spoke of it. I found myself giving a small smile. Always, my team has looked out for me. If that incident were reported, I would've been ripped of my title. Tsunade was suspicious that us three were up to something. Kakashi assured her I did just fine, to have a bit more faith in her pupil. Of course Tsunade believed his eloquent words.

"Alright. But if I suspect anything is amiss here... I'll have you're hide," She had said to him. Kakashi just gave a comforting eye crinkle. Naruto nodded gleefully. I stood playing indifference.

"Now out of my office with the lot of you!" She yelled. I watched her with an understanding gaze, as her hand lingered over her sake drawer.

That night I went straight home and stayed there through the next day.

I finally stretched languidly in the bed. My body felt great after that, so I just shut my eyes, letting my thoughts go to yesterday's events. Ino found me at the memorial. Then she took me to that tarot reading. It was a bunch of nonsense. A truth that I would not like… What a bunch of gibberish.

Ino talked to me the whole way home about it. The blond gave me every theory she had when we sat for coffee. When we walked the slick streets to her apartment, she squealed with delight at her own fortune. Before she unlocked her door, she cradled her belly. When Shikamaru put his strong arms around her, pecking her on the cheek, she looked at me with pity.

I just left, ignoring the look. My feet took me home. I found my way to the shower. Then I went to bed. Now, here I lay.

I rolled over with another sigh. I broke down when I thought I saw a resemblance of him on that card. My eyes drifted to the album that still lies on the nightstand, the same spot I put it when I first brought it home at Christmas. I never looked inside, aside from when I was with my friends. I'm too afraid I'll see his smiling face, and then that dreadful pain will come wrap its claws around my heart. My eyes opened.

8:45. My stomach growled a bit. Time for breakfast. I pulled the covers off of me, struggling into a pair of jogging pants and hoody before I made my way to the kitchen. I found myself inserting my toothbrush in my mouth after I combed my hair into a sloppy ponytail. Only half would stay in it. The rest fell about my neck. The toothbrush was pulled in lazy circles, as I walked into the kitchen to pull out a small box of cereal I bought the other day. As I was about to pour the milk my eyes widened. I went to the clock on the wall, letting the toothbrush fall out of my mouth.

8:55. Oh no. I was supposed to be at Hokage Tower at 9:00! I ignored the pasty drool that ran down the side of my mouth, sliding onto the gray hoody. I ignored that I was barefoot, save for the house shoes. My hands quickly formed into several symbols for the transportation jutsu. With enough concentration I could get within just a few blocks of Hokage Tower. If I ran the rest of the way I should be able to make it. And I did just that.

I found myself skipping steps two at a time, bounding straight for Tsunade's office, not caring who I bumped into.

Tsunade's word was law. She hated lateness. I think the only way Kakashi got away with it was because he was expected to do it no matter who it was that was waiting for him…

I found myself in front of her door, about to knock. Before my outreached hand caught the oak of the door, it was roughly pulled open to show an exasperated Naruto.

"Oh! Hey Sakura-chan," He said cheerily, his frustration forgotten for a moment. He smiled a toothy grin.

"Hey," I mumbled. The golden haired man eyed me for a moment, snickering. I arched an eyebrow at him.

"You're a mess. I wouldn't go in there –"He didn't get to finish.

"Haruno! In here now! You're just on time," Yelled Tsunade. Naruto mouthed 'good luck', as he stepped aside to let me pass him. As I walked in, my jaw dropped.

Now I know Neji Hyuga shouldn't be someone to be looking exceptional for. I mean I've known the guy for a very long time.

But…

When you have the head of the Hyuga Clan, his daughter, Neji, and a former team mate in the same room, looking the way I do right now…

It's a disaster.

I bowed my head low, not looking anyone in the eyes, when I knew they all stared at me and my untidy appearance.

"Well some things never change," I head a cheerful voice come from my right. My head lifted a bit, eyes growing wide when I realized who it was. His skin was pale, perfectly unmarred. His smile was cheerful, eyes dark and tired, hair cropped a bit in the back, the rest of the ebony locks framing his ethereal face. His clothes were the same, never changing, except they looked old and tattered. He was like a ghost standing there. He looked unreal.

"Sai?" I gave a hoarse whisper.

"Hey there, Ugly," He said back, throwing out his arms for an embrace. I raced to him, grabbing at him with desperation. He was real. He was warm. He was Sai. Tears formed at the edge of my eyes.

I haven't seen Sai in two years. His mission was with Kakashi…

"Oh god…" I cried. He held me with rigid but understanding arms. I buried my face into his chest, letting out a small whimper. He will have answers. He will tell me what happened. He will tell me where my Kakashi is. Sai will tell me how to find him and bring him back home.

I took in his scent of leaves and ink. The artist pulled me back a bit, and I found myself being caught in his intent gaze. "You're back," I smiled. The corners of his soft mouth tugged slightly up.

"So I am," He chuckled.

A brief 'ahem' from behind us made us take a step apart from each other. My appearance was completely forgotten by me, but Tsunade's humorous stare came to rest on me for a long while. I looked down at myself, realizing that I had toothpaste still in my mouth, on my cheek, and even on my hoody. Groaning, I quickly, swiped my sleeve across my face.

"Please excuse my appearance Hokage-sama, Hyuga-sama, Hinata-san, Neji-san," I replied to their incredulous stares. Hiashi raised a coal brow. Hinata smiled kindly. Neji gave a condescending smirk while crossing his arms over his chest.

This is soo embarrassing.

Tsunade snorted a bit, drawing all the attention to the sickly form that sat hunched behind her desk. Neji and I became tense, both ready for orders from the unpredictable Hokage. Sai was normally stiff; I just hope that he will not say something to the fragile Hokage right now. He is, after all, one to say something uncalled for. Hinata wrung her hands together as her father took a step towards Tsunade.

His cool demeanor was something that could cool the raging Tsunade, so I trust he knows exactly what to say. "Should we get started with this then?" Tsunade nodded slowly, looking past me to Sai. I felt him move slightly as he came to step beside of me, placing a strong hand on my shoulder.

"Sai, you will explain the details to Sakura later," Tsunade said in a commanding voice. The artist nodded, removing his hand. I knew what she was talking about.

It was about Kakashi.

Tsunade's glare came directly to me, making me shift nervously. "You are going on a mission, Sakura. It is a rescue mission in the Land of Snow. A Konoha ninja has been taken by a rebel group. We have gotten reports from Queen Gale's record keepers that this group has terribly powerful technology that they have been developing. This rebel group is threatening not only the Land of Snow, but also The Land of Wind and the Land of Fire with this technology.

"As you know the Yukigakure had not been able to produce able ninja for quite a few years now. Queen Gale is requesting help from Sunagakure as well as our village. Your first objective will be to rescue the Konoha ninja and meet with a recon group half way back to Konoha, who will bring the hostage back home," Her voice softened as she looked at me, "You must not let personal feelings interfere."

Her eyes were focused straight at me, "The mission is first priority."

Hiashi eyed me, "Of course you know you will not be able to leave on this mission right away."

"Why not?" I heard myself say. What is going on?

"You will find out within the next week Haruno-san," Lord Hiashi nodded to Neji and Tsunade, before he made his way out of the office. I watched his dark green robes flow behind him. Hinata was stead fast at her father's side. She gave me a sad smile before she softly closed the door behind her with a small click.

The room was silent for quite some time. Tsunade impatiently tapped her nails on the messy desk top. Sai stood erect, as did Neji. I was the only one who had no idea what was going on.

"Tsunade-sama," Neji spoke for the first time in his baritone voice. His face was stern, gaze locked with Tsunade's. His hands were balled into fists.

"Neji. There is no other way," Tsunade looked at me sympathetically, "This is an ANBU mission. Only members of our ANBU black ops can go on this mission. Sakura is the most able mednin in the village, aside from myself. No one can match her strength. Due to the situation, no one else is fit to go. I will only have the best for Konoha's elite shinobi."

"But I am not ANBU, Tsunade-sama…" I whispered. I didn't understand. I could not go on this mission if it was ANBU ranked. That goes beyond S-class. That goes beyond anything I've ever done out on the field. There are only five S-Class missions on my record. Through all of them, I was just a medic who avoided fighting at all costs. My chakra was to be reserved for healing and nothing else for as much as I could avoid. It was my job.

"But you will be," She said, matter-of-factly.

"Tsunade-sama. You surly cannot go through with this!" Neji yelled. Since when did he care so much what happened to me? "Sakura-san is not one for ANBU. She is-"

"Silence!" Tsunade bellowed. I twitched at her tone. She quickly turned her chair to face out the window. The spring sun shone brightly through the windows, the sky was relentlessly blue, just apart of the unpredictable weather of Konoha. "Sakura will become an ANBU. She is to go on this mission. She will follow my orders."

You don't know how much I don't want to Tsunade-sama. But a fellow Konohana ninja is in danger. I may not give two cents about my village, but I love its people. I love my comrades, my peers. I love my fellow ninjas and I would surly give my life to make sure the lot of them are safe and sound. I would die to make their lives better in a heartbeat.

Neji slammed his hands on the desk. I heard Sai's knuckles crack slightly. Tsunade took a deep breath as Neji tried once more, "Sakura-san does not need to be exposed to such things!"

"Neji. I have not expected you to be so passionate about this, but my decision is final, whether Sakura likes it or not," She paused, turning back to us. Her elbows rested on the wooden armrests of her chair, hands clasped together with her chin resting on them. Her eyes were stern, showing there was no room for discussion.

"I will do it."

"Sakura…" Sai whispered in protest. Neji looked at me with narrowed eyes for a long moment. I stared back into his intense pearly orbs. Then in one fluid motion, he bounced to the balls of his feet, letting his hands quickly form signs for the transportation jutsu, and he was gone in a puff of smoke.

"Very well, Sakura. As for the rest of the mission…" She looked at me, obviously emotionally exhausted, "I will tell you after you're ANBU training is complete. You will be escorted to the ANBU training camps exactly at 6:00 in the morning on this coming Saturday. You are to take no personal possessions aside from ninja gear. Everything you will need will be provided by the camp commissioners. You will have no contact with friends and family while you are there. If you do the results could be death. Sai will explain the rest to you."

Sai and I nodded curtly, "You are dismissed…" We both turned to leave, but before I twisted the knob Tsunade spoke again, this time it was nothing official, "Sakura-chan?"

"Yes, Tsunade-sama?" I inquired softly, looking at her from the corner of my eye.

"Take care," She whispered in a hoarse voice. She coughed a bit and finished, "Keep an eye out for her Sai-kun." Her voice was soft, motherly, and even affectionate.

Sai smiled brightly, nodding as he said, "Of course." His pale hand brushed my hand away, twisting the knob. Softly, I smiled, giving one last look to my Hokage, before I stepped through that door, Sai closing it with a small click.

I stood there, gripping the wall in support, as I let the lump in my throat rise, so that I let out a small cry.

"Don't cry. He's okay. I promise he's okay," Sai, uncharacteristically said. This mission sure has changed him. Perhaps Kakashi has impacted him as much as he had me.

"I know," I whispered, "I know." I always have.

* * *

**Well I know I just updated like two days ago but.... I couldn't help myself! I mean I just started writing and ideas just came flowing and before I knew it I had three chapters worth written. I decided to divide them up soo.... Here it is. I finally know exactly where this is going. I'm not lost in the dark any more. I think I'm going to have twenty to thirty chapters worth when I'm finished. I love this story. I honestly think it's my best I've written. I mean just in these past few chapters I've learned so much about my writing than I have in the whole time I've been on this site. I fell completely in love with the characters, even though I didn't quite create them....but still... You feel their pain and happiness as you write. And I can only hope you as the reader can get even just a fraction of what I feel when I write this. It would be wonderful, no, gratifying just to know I brought something out. I love this story, and I have big plans for it.**

**Some light was shed on Kakashi. I hope it doesn't seem rash that I just introduced Sai from the middle of nowhere. I actually intended on having no Sai in this story, but I looked up a bit about his character and just fell in love with it, so I made him Kakashi's partner.**

**To answer a few questions some may have.... Sai was part of Kakashi's team when he left on the mission to Snow. They were both ANBU. This mission Sakura was called to do is S-Class, and is only open to ANBU, considering the extreme danger. Also, Sakura is disappointed in only the Village elders. She hates the orders she has for missions, but if it to save a comrade, she'll give her life for them, not the village. That is, after all, one of the key principles Kakashi tried to convey to his lowly little Genin way back when. So I hope that explains a lot of things that some of you may be thinking about.**

**Sorry for the lengthy note, but I had quite a bit to say. Anyhow, thanks for the great feedback last chapter. Please leave some for this one. I love to hear your thoughts!**


	9. A Noble Action

**Chapter 9**

**Jaded**

* * *

We had eventually found our way to a small café, neither of us talking much. The silence was always welcome by the normally stoic Sai, and here lately, I'm not much of a talker myself. At the moment I had completely forgotten of my unkempt appearance. All I could think about was the explanations that I would soon be getting from Sai.

I have so many questions. I'm sure he knows that. Two years ago Sai had told me he would be leaving on this fateful mission with Kakashi. Of course I expected it as he and Kakashi were both forever members of ANBU, Sai being a member of the mythical ANBU Root.

I peered at him as he carefully pulled out his chair that scraped across the tiled floor of the café. A busty waitress quickly came to take our orders: Black coffee and a doughnut for me, when my stomach embarrassingly rumbled. Sai chuckled softly. Perhaps it was a small habit he caught from Kakashi… It brought a small smile to my face, while I laced my fingers together, unconsciously tapping my foot.

"I'm sure you have many questions…" He said indifferently, trailing off when I slowly leaned forward, looking at him expectantly.

My shoulders drooped when he did not continue, smile fading. I took in a defeated sigh, slumping back into the wooden chair. Sai smiled insincerely, holding out his hand. I eyed it with an arched brow.

"An action of comfort?" He inquired. I shook my head. Slowly, he withdrew his hand.

"Thank you," I murmured. His smile didn't reach his eyes. The flirty waitress came back with our coffee and my doughnut. She flipped her hair as she turned after asking us, rather Sai, if we wanted anything else. We didn't reply, just patiently waiting for her to leave so we could get back to our conversation.

"For what?" He replied me when the waitress was finally out of ear-shot.

"For coming back," I answered, taking a small bite of my doughnut. He nodded, sipping on his coffee. We were quiet for a while longer. After a few bites of the delicious doughnut and a few sips of the bitter coffee, we left. Sai uncharacteristically held the door open, as we walked out of the corner café. I muttered thanks, and we walked side by side, both seemingly lost to the world around us.

Sai came to me the day before their team was to leave on the mission. His timid knock at my door had caught me off guard, as I was pretty concentrated on sneaking a peek at Kakashi's favorite Icha Icha novel that he had 'forgotten' to take home with him about a week before. The knock had startled me out of the little world I had surrounded myself in.

It left me quite unsatisfied.

I hesitantly laid the book on the table, standing from my spot by the window. The soft knock came again.

"I'm coming!" I yelled, irritated. "This had better be good, Sai," I muttered, knowing his acute hearing would at least pick up half of what I said. It had better be because I was at the good part… The knock came once more, only slightly harder. I straightened out the cotton blue pants I wore. My hand reached for the doorknob, twisting it, and opening the door open.

"Hello," He said dumbly with a small wave and smile. I leaned on my doorframe, eyeing him impatiently.

"What?"

"Well, aren't you all hot and bothered?" He smirked.

"Shut it!" I snapped back. He stood there, indifferent to my reaction. Crossing my arms over my chest, I waited for him to explain this unexpected visit.

"It's rude to keep your guest waiting to be invited inside," he said lamely, causing me to become all the more irritated. He just stood there unmoving. Obviously he wasn't going to be brief about this, so I bounced myself off the doorframe and moved to let him pass.

We found ourselves at the kitchen bar sipping on freshly made coffee that I had to make to even get him to say something else besides how rude I was. I sometimes could not stand the ever blunt Sai, who learned most of his mannerisms from a book.

"So why am I so lucky to have you here today?" I asked. When he did not answer me I put my hands on my hips. His face gave nothing away as he sat down the red mug.

He took in a small breath, "I will be accompanying Kakashi on his mission tomorrow."

"Okay?" My face softened a bit, my hands falling from my hips, only to cradle my own black mug that Kakashi would normally use. I could feel his gaze wonder to the item. The whole team knew what was going on between Kakashi and I. We spent too much time together for Sai and even the ever oblivious Naruto to not know there was something more between Kakashi and me. There was just an unspoken pact between us to not talk about it. Naruto and Sai both knew we would eventually tell them.

"It is an ANBU specific assignment," He explained.

"I figured. I just wish that it didn't have to be Kakashi going. I know Konoha is experiencing an all time low in Elite Nin, but…" I trailed off, peering at the steaming liquid that sat in the mug.

"Yes," He replied, "Sakura?" It took me a bit to realize that he addressed me. After a while, I finally looked to him, watching his coal eyes shine a bit, like Naruto when he was about to say something he truly, from the bottom of his heart, meant.

"We'll be careful. I promise," He replied, smiling. It reached his eyes.

Those words meant more than anyone could know, and I'm sure Sai knew that. He always had the ability to make me feel completely at ease because I knew he would never back down from his word. It was a trait that every member of Team 7 seemed to possess in one way or another. Naruto was just blunt about it, making promises and always keeping them to the best of his ability, what, with his sheer determination. Kakashi did it through actions and just little words. Sai had characteristics from both, obviously learned behaviors, but still effective in conveying what he truly means.

"He talked about you every day," He said. I looked at his from the corner of my eye. We were walking the back streets of Konoha. This particular one was bordered by a long picket fence on the left and on the right were the stone buildings that were part of older Konoha. The sun cast shadows all around, making it feel almost appropriate to discuss what we were about too.

"He did?" I asked. He always thought of me like I did him. Those were meant a lot.

"Yes, he was very fond of you," Sai explained, looking straight ahead. I nodded, understanding. "He missed you. He always talked about much he loved, and he couldn't wait to make it back home, back to your warm arms," His voice held no emotion as he talked, but it didn't bother me at all.

"I cried almost every day this past year, Sai," I confessed. We stopped walking for moment. Sai nodded in understanding. He knew what it felt like to have no hope left, to lose someone who were so close with. I sighed.

"He often went off alone. It was to think, he said," Sai was hoping to curve my guilt for being weak when I promised I wouldn't. It was something I said long ago.

"I see." I kicked a pebble on the ground. So he had his moments as well. At least he knew I would be here waiting. Sai needed to know what happened, what faith this village has in its ninja."I'm going to show you something."

We continued on the familiar journey to the memorial.

"They had his funeral about six months ago…" I trailed off, noticing the crack in my voice. Sai only nodded in understanding. We stood in front of the polished surface of the carved granite. My pale hand went to trace the delicate kanji of his name. "It should not be there, Sai. It shouldn't be there at all."

"No." He agreed. Relief flooded my system. The ebony haired ninja stood behind me in a tense stance that he usually took on when something was bothering him. I pretended to ignore it, as I gazed at him through the mirror like surface of the stone. He was thinner than I remember, face more angular. His coal eyes were rimmed in dark bags. He seemed wiser than his years, something Sai always had about him, but now it was more prevalent than ever. What exactly happened on that mission? That was something I wouldn't ever know…

I stood, then not turning to face Sai. "Should we get on with the explanation of this mission I am going on?"

"Yes."

-

We made our way back to my apartment, sitting in the living room. Sai quickly formed a basic jutsu to sound proof the room. I took no offense, as this mission as an S-rank, called for the utmost care for secrecy. Even in the barriers of Konoha, such care had to be taken.

"The first topic Tsunade asked for me to explain to you is Kakashi, "He paused, coming to take a seat by me, "It is quite a long story." His voice was monotone as he began to explain just what I had been wondering.

-

It had been an intense battle. Both sides were weak, drawing on the last bits of chakra they had to make their next and hopefully last move. Each ninja fought their hardest so that they could reach home in safety, so that they could go back to their families.

Sai quickly made the delicate stokes of a lion-like beast on his scroll making the proper hand signs, "Super Beats Imitation Picture!" The beast came to life, springing forth to violently rip out the throat of Sai's opponent, before disappearing back into the scroll. He rolled it and secured the rather large scroll to his side.

Kakashi stood with his kunai in hand. His chakra was too low to conjure chidori or even to use sharingan, so he was resorting to taijutsu to win this battle. He skillfully kicked the Snow Nin behind him, while artfully dodging the punch aimed at his stomach. The silver haired ninja quickly sliced his kunai through another opponent before jumping into the air. He twisted gracefully, coming to land a fatal kick to another Snow Nin who was trying to form a clone of himself.

"These ninja aren't as highly trained as I expected. It seems as if there is something amiss here, "Kakashi analyzed to Sai, who came from behind him.

"Yes, I agree," Sai replied, watching as another one of his inked beasts tore through the last of the Snow Nin.

"Ah.." Kakashi grunted. "What is this?" Sai looked at him as the silver haired ninja pulled a long needle from his side. It dripped with blood, which caught Kakashi by surprise. He supposed that his thick clothing would prevent the needles that Snow specialized in from grazing his skin, but he was wrong.

Sai watched as the blood slowly dripped from the needle to the snow below. Suddenly, Kakashi was gripping his throat, dropping to his knees. Sai quickly made it to his side, trying to see what the matter was. He'd never seen the great Copy Ninja brought to his knees.

"C-Can't bre…" He choked as he tried to take in a gasp of air. Sai quickly became distressed as his captain lay, struggling in the snow for air. A frigid wind blew, carrying a blizzard of snow with it, blurring the artist's keen sight immensely.

Sai formed a minute set of hand signs, letting the familiarity of green chakra rise to his hands. He hurriedly put his hands to Kakashi's throat. The pain must have been intense for Kakashi for as soon as Sai opened his constricting air way he let out a small scream of pain. Never had Sai known Kakashi was capable of making such a sound. His former sensei was always strong.

He knew what this was, and he had only minutes if he wanted to save Kakashi's life. There was no way he had enough chakra to keep this healing jutsu up, and the nearest medical center was miles away. The snow came down around the two men, allowing for only sight within one foot.

All was lost…

Kakashi started to whisper things that were hard for Sai to hear above the howling winds. Slowly, he bent his head down, his ear near Kakashi's mouth. "…love her. Tell her I'm sorry I broke my promise…And…. Take ca-"He coughed, "Take …care of her… for me…"

Sai forced the chakra to his fingers, feigning indifference. This made Kakashi give an eye crinkle. The green chakra that came from his fingers ceased to flow.

"Shit," He muttered. Kakashi started to thrash in pain once again. The sound of footsteps made Sai grip the sword on his back.

"Who is there?" He yelled out.

"I can save him, you know," A deep voice sounded.

"Who are you?" Sai called out again.

"You're team mate is dying, and that is what you ask to his would-be savior?" The owner of this voice took another step, allowing Sai to see a tall, foreboding figure in the haziness of the snow.

"How do I know I can trust you?" He said as he unsheathed his sword, letting his gaze wander to the thrashing Kakashi then to the blurry figure hidden behind the blizzard.

"Drop your sword and cooperate with me and you're friend can come out of this alive," The sadistic voice said. Sai grimaced when Kakashi stopped moving. He didn't have much choice did he? He let his kantana fall to the ground only to be quickly buried in the powdery snow.

"Good boy," The voice said. He then threw something at Sai.

It was a capped syringe with a yellow substance in it. "Quickly, now. He's so close to death I can smell it," explained the shadow. Sai had to bring Kakashi back home in one piece. He promised Sakura, so he would take the chance that he could save his mentors life. The artist quickly jabbed the syringe into Kakashi's throat, injecting the substance.

Within minutes, Kakashi took in gasps of air like a starved person to food. Sai felt a wave of relief flood over him, but did not let it show. Instead, he stayed tense, peering to the shadowy figure who took a few steps closer to the two Leaf Nin, where he stopped just within the limits of the artist line of sight. Sai let his gaze run up and down the brawny figure of the man. He was garbed in stranger armor, and at his side was a weapon Sai had never before seen.

"Who are you?" Sai asked the man in strange clothes.

"In time you will know. In the meanwhile…" He tailed off snapping his fingers. More of what Sai figured were ninja, came from the cover of the snow. Their chakra was amazing, and it wasn't often that Sai was intimidated, but at this moment in time he was. He and the fallen Copy Ninja were surrounded. Sai was out of chakra. He had to do as they said. With another snap of the man's fingers, Sai was out like a light.

He awoke cold, and in excruciating pain. The back of his head throbbed; his body felt as though it weighed a ton. Sai blinked a bit, shivering when the howling wind came through the barred window of the stone-walled room. The floor was frigid with melted snow. Sai coughed violently as he took in a deep breath, causing him to yank his arm to his face. That was when he noticed the strange object on his arm. Quickly, he tried to draw chakra to the area, to bust the gawky metal object.

His attempt was futile. He had no chakra.

"Where am I?" he muttered, curling into a shivering ball, when another wind blew through the window. _I won't live much longer if I am stuck like this. I must do something. _Sai thought. The Leaf Nin braced himself as he tried to lift his weak body from the moist stone below him. He used the wall for support, but stumbled a bit when he tried to take a step forward, making him get a dizzy spell. He held his throbbing head, as he slid down the wall.

The door creaked and groaned as it was pushed opened, flooding the darkened room with a flash of blinding light, making Sai bring his arm up to cover his eyes. The artist grunted a bit when he was forced to his feet.

"Where am I?" He muttered, as he was forced to stand and be shackled, not that he could put up much of a fight. It caused him to roll his eyes at the strange and unnecessary items that bound his hands together.

"Walk," someone grunted, roughly pushing the exhausted Sai forward, which resulted in him taking nose-dive onto the floor. A firm grip forced him back up and aided in a poor support, so that he could walk.

They went down the short hall to what looked like a medical room. The walls and floor were a light blue that was bleached form the light bulb that flickered over head. In the center of the room was an occupied hospital bed. Sai immediately recognized the silver mop of hair and the navy mask that adorned his captain.

Kakashi took in jagged breaths. There was a nasty gash on the side of his head that looked to be infected and the blood had stained his silver tresses and the res of his uniform was ripped and torn, the bandages on his bound legs were soaked red.

"Kakashi-san…" Sai trailed off when he felt another wave of dizziness claim him. He grabbed his throbbing head, sinking to the ground in horrible pain. He grunted when a kick was landed in his side.

"Stand Leaf Ninja," came the strict voice of the man in strange armor. Sai struggled, but successfully got to his feet.

"Tell me why you are here, Leaf Ninja," The commanding voice ordered.

"I'm afraid I can't disclose that information," Sai muttered, groaning when he felt a powerful current go though his body. Its source was his arm.

"I'll ask again," The brawny man tried. He was greeted with only the buzzing of the light bulb and the jagged breathes of the two Konoha ninja. "Have it your way."

Again, Sai was taken aback with painful current that surged through his body, making him contort in a most unnatural way. There was no way Sai would give into this interrogation. He refused to betray his Hokage's orders. If that meant dying, at least it would be with honor.

The man pulled Sai up by his ebony locks. "Answer me."

All he got was spit in his face. The man smirked, "You don't know what you are dealing with you stubborn little ninja." Sai went unconscious when another wave of electricity surged throughout his body. The sadistic laugh rang in his ears.

When he awoke next, he was in a softly lit room. He couldn't move his body one inch, so all he could do was let his eyes wander. He found that he was lying on a futon in a richly decorated room. The shoji came open slowly, and a girl in a pale blue kimono walked in with a basin of water and cloths that hung from the side of the wooden tub. The girl knelt beside him, obviously startled when she was about to bring the cold cloth to his face only to find coal eyes staring back at her.

She softly smiled saying, "You are awake. I must go and inform the Queen." She quickly dabbed at his face a bit before she scurried out of the room, leaving Sai alone. The shoji was snapped shut behind the girl.

In her absence Sai tried to make since of what had happened. His memory was a bit foggy. Last he knew, he was being interrogated by that strange man. Kakashi was on a hospital bed barely alive and that they were apparently hostages in Snow. Slightly agitated that he couldn't move, Sai just lay there and stared at the ceiling, worried for the only member of his team to escape the ambush of Snow Nin they had encountered who knows how many days back.

He wasn't sure what to make of where he was now. There seemed to be no hostility toward him. Surly he was safe, but what about Kakashi. Was he here too, getting his wounds treated. Who was the queen that the girl spoke of? Logically, it had to be Queen Gale. This mission was taking place in Snow, after all.

So maybe he was rescued. As far as the man knew, Konoha and Snow were on good terms. He and Kakashi were here to even aid the Queen against the rebel group that has formed. That man in the strange armor had to be part of it. If so, that means their target was right in front of his nose. That man had to be the leader that Sai was ordered to exterminate if the occasion presented itself. Instead, he saved the life of Kakashi, not going for the kill. He failed the mission, but for some reason he did not care. At that moment all he could think about was how heart broken Sakura would've been. He knew he would feel guilty if he saw her sad jade orbs.

The ninja had grown quite fond of the pink haired girl. He even saw her as one of his true friends. Of course, she had. He chuckled mutely. She accepted him no matter how he came, and he was glad of that. So he couldn't let Kakashi die even if it was the cost of an opportunity to kill the enemy. He'd have another chance. He was sure of it.

The soft click of the shoji roused him from his musings. He found that he was able to turn his head slightly to see a woman with midnight blue hair that reached about her waist walk in and kneel at his side. She delicately took his cool hand between her small, frail ones. A small smile was pasted onto her supple lips. Sai felt his curve slightly as he looked at her angular face and her rich robes. She was indeed royalty. Her hands were soft. She didn't know what it meant to hold a weapon and kill, yet her eyes seemed to tell the story of immense tragedy and loss. Her cheeks were rosy and her skin was a healthy alabaster.

She was beautiful. Sai swore he saw her once in a movie and even then he marveled at her beauty, although, his awe was not shown at all in his outside shell.

"Queen Gale, he is still not able to talk," said the girl from earlier.

"Thank you. You may leave now," The queen said softly.

"Of course." The girl bowed and shut the shoji softly behind her.

"I'm sorry we could not retrieve you're teammate, Konoha Ninja," Queen Gale answered Sai's most prevalent question.

"We will, however, alert your Hokage as soon as possible, so that proper help can come," She paused, smiling at Sai affectionately, "Kakashi will be rescued I assure you of that. It's the least I can do for him after he has saved my country and my own life in the past. We will, in the mean-time, send in more of our ninja to scout out the area and find any opportunities to save him. My best teams are on this."

Sai smiled his thanks. Queen Gale grinned back.

-

"And as soon as I was well enough, I made way back to Konoha," Sai finished with a sigh. I felt mentally exhausted as I took in Sai's words, processing all of the information.

"So the ninja we are to save is Kakashi?" I found myself asking.

"Yes. I just hope…" Sai was unnaturally…emotional. His shoulders sagged a bit, but he quickly regained his carefully maintained emotionless façade. I watched him carefully. He was just as tore up about this as I was, but it was great what he had done. He sacrificed the mission for Kakashi. I could not be more thankful to him.

"You know Kakashi taught us to always put our teammates first," I sighed. Sai peered to me with questioning eyes. "He constantly taught us to always work as a team and to love each other as best friends."

"His teachings were noble." Sai smiled.

I nodded, "They are."

* * *

**So here's another. I'm on a roll with this updating thing lol. Well some light was finally shed on Kakashi, and Sakura has to save him. Although, right now she's not strong enough physically or emotionally. ANBU boot camp will do her good. So can't wait for the feedback, to see what everyone else is thinking at this moment. Thanks much for reading!**


	10. Why

**Jaded**

**Chapter 10**

* * *

"Now, I will explain ANBU," Sai stated, interlacing his fingers, eyes avoiding mine. I nodded curtly, shifting to get a bit more comfortable. I took a sip of my coffee, looking to him as he started to explain.

"You will be going to a training camp where weak candidates are weeded out. You will be put through many field tests and rigorous training on both physical and," He trailed looking at me briefly, sighed, then continued, "Mental…capacities. Most always you will find yourself at a breaking point, but you must move past it, prove yourself. You will not automatically become ANBU. And if you fail…."

He stopped there, and I just looked to the floor finishing for him, "No chance at saving Kakashi…" I took in a breath as he nodded. I almost expected this to be easy, but was I mistaken. This would be no walk in the park. ANBU are highly skilled ninja. They work in the shadows of Konoha, virtually unknown, even to Jounin. The only ANBU I knew was of course Kakashi, but he wasn't an active ANBU, which I never understood.

I thought once you were in that group of Elites you would never be able to back out, bounded for life by that mysterious mark on the shoulder… But somehow he managed to go back to being just a normal ninja, a highly skilled Jounin with a genin team to boot. More often, I find myself wondering just what happened to get him to where he was in his ninja career. Even after what we share, I still know next to nothing about the man I'm supposed to be in love with.

Is that bad?

I've known him for so long, but he never confided in me. I was always the one who confided my past. Whenever he asked I told, but when I asked about his past he would merely chuckle, kiss me, and change the subject. Until now, I never thought anything of it.

Sai cleared his throat, knocking me from my thoughts back into the world around me. "Any questions before I leave?"

I scratched my head. I did actually have quite a few, "Yeah. One second."

Reaching for my now empty cup I went back to the kitchen to pour me another cup of coffee. ANBU was going to be so different, and I virtually knew nothing about it, and it took a great loyalty to the village, something I'm not really sure where I stand. I love Konoha in a way. I love the people who I grew with, my parents, my comrades, Tsunade, Kakashi… But it is a village that lies, covers it discretions with pretty words, but what country does not do that. Only the Elders did what they thought was best for the people. The Uchiha's who wanted control were worthless; they had no value for human life. Why kill a whole clan, why not just the people who threatened the peace?

I didn't really understand; I still don't. The loyalty I conjure to be ANBU will simply come from the people I want to protect. Maybe someday I will understand the actions of the elders and truly love my village as I once did.

I walked back into the living room, taking a seat across the stoic Sai. He wasn't happy about this. Neither was I, to be honest.

"Know that you are to tell no one where you are going or how long you will be gone." He stated. I nodded. His hands fisted.

"How long will I be there?" I asked quietly. He was stiff as a board.

His lips thinned as he answered, "Six weeks."

I pressed my lips together. "That long? But Kakashi… He could…"

"I know…" Sai replied in monotone, looking straight ahead. I sighed. Every moment was precious. Why can't I go through some special speedy ANBU boot camp? There was no such thing; that's why. I need to get my Kakashi back; I need him to be okay, here, and well... I want to feel his warmth, his love. I want his guidance. My eyes stung. I want him. Every moment that goes by he could be so much closer to death…

"Sai…I …I'm soo-" My voice broke, and I rushed out of the room, going to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

God. I need him. I've been crying for too long.

I've been too weak for too long…

Kakashi… And then I just screamed, I screamed until my throat was raw, until I could no longer stand, until Sai had to knock down the door and shake my shoulders. All I could do was whisper, "I need him," over and over. And all Sai could do was hold me in a stiff hug.

And once again I was weak. Once again I broke a promise that I had made so long ago, back when Sasuke had almost been taken away from me in the forest when I fought those Sound Nin.

It was a promise that I've been breaking, all because I cannot stop crying, cannot stop my emotions from taking control. It used to be so easy when you were here, Kakashi. Why can't I just go get you now? Why can't I bring you back the way I am now?

And when I realized Sai had broke away from me, guiding me to the couch, offering me a glass of water, searing tears falling uncontrollably from my eyes, that was when I still knew, knew that I was too weak to save him. I need to become stronger, to become

Emotionless. And I knew Tsunade and Sai were right, even though they would not say it.

ANBU was exactly what I needed to dry these tears that fell. No friends. No family. No comforting words.

ANBU.

-

The next day Neji came over with a brown bundle in his hands. I opened my door, stepping aside, stunned at his abrupt visit. He slipped off his sandals by the door, walking further in my lair only when I invited him.

"Make yourself at home," I said with fake enthusiasm offering a faux smile. He just nodded curtly, carefully laying the bundle on the coffee table. "I'll be back in a second."

"Alright," He muttered.

I quickly went to the bathroom finishing getting ready for my last shift at the hospital. I really would miss that place. Six weeks without my job would be hard, but I'd get used to it.

It was just one of the many things I would have to give up for a while.

I pulled my pink locks back into a small twist on my head, securing my stray bangs with a few bobby pins. I straightened out my white jacket and the black shirt underneath. When I walked back into the living area, I found that his eyes were glued to the orange books that littered the bottom of my bookshelf. He look to me then with a raised brow, "Never thought you would pick up that habit."

I chuckled for real, which caused him to peer at me with an expression I wasn't sure on how to interpret. I scratched the back of my head. I never really knew how to act around the ever stoic Neji. He had softened over the years, but he still had that air of superiority about him, which seemed to noticeably lessen when he was around me.

He's quite a confusing man. "So… To what do I owe this visit?" I inquired, leaning on the wall, eyeing the bundle on the small coffee table.

"Delivery," He mumbled, quickly averting his gaze.

"Oh," I whispered, remembering that Sai had told me Neji would be coming over with my ANBU gear and mask. I padded softly past the couch, getting on my knees, drawing the stiff, gray sting off the bundle, it softly fell open and on top was the blue and white mask that I would be wearing for the next six weeks.

"Wolf?" I questioned, taking the smooth porcelain into my hands, running my fingers over the hand painted blue markings. It truly was beautiful, but I was shocked. Wolf was what Kakashi was when he was ANBU, something I only found out after I ran across his mask when I was helping moving his things out of his apartment. His mask lies in the same gray box under my bed that he left all of his ANBU belongings in.

"Tsunade did not want you to forget why you are doing this. ANBU can often make you… forget such things…." He trailed looking at me with what I could only place as genuine concern. Reaching out his large, pale hand, he clasped my shoulder. I was taken aback by the forward behavior. I've never seen Neji like this, not since that mission we had together, but even then it was fake.

His pearly eyes locked with me, his lips parted, "Are you sure? Can you do this?"

"I will not stop until he is back safe and sound," I replied; he nodded stiffly quickly withdrawing his hand.

"ANBU is no game. The training camp… Sakura… It leaves scars. It's cruel in everything. You will be learning to kill, how to take ones life. You will be trained to show no emotion, no remorse when you pull your sword and sever a head or pull out a beating heart," He said all in monotone in his smooth baritone. His words were harsh, but I suppose he thought I needed to hear them. When I said nothing, he took my mask from my hands, "This is a mask to cover a killer, a tool. You will no longer be considered human when wear this. All of this comes with so heavy a prize… then… you… Sakura you…."

He's oddly compassionate…

"I what, "I urged softly, wanting to continue his speech before he lost this concern and went back to the stoic Neji, the one that was condescending and sadistic, the who I've been able to call friend.

"You save lives," He stated, laying the mask softly on the table, getting on his knees beside me. My eyes widened when he took my hand in his, his face so close I could feel his sweet breath caress my face. I turned my face away, and he caught it, cradling it with his strong hand. I felt my breath quicken when he spoke, "You don't have to do this."

His pearly eyes were soft shining with….

Love.

"Neji," I breathed in sharply when his lips brushed over mine.

"Yes?"

"I think it's time you leave," I whispered. He stiffened, eyes becoming dark.

"Yes it is," He nodded stiffly, walking out the door. I just sat there, staring at the mask on the table.

-

My hand hovered over my lips. How could he do that? He knows I'm waiting for Kakashi? Neji could never… even possibly… feel that way. No. No way at all.

I tapped my pen impatiently on my desk, nibbling on my nails. Neji tried to kiss me. I just don't understand… Our mission to Suna had been a long one. We learned a lot about each other. For a while after, I thought there could actually be something between us for real, but I was wrong. As soon as we crossed through the gates of Konoha, Neji became as distanced as he always had been. He never said hi. He never came to visit. I t was like what had happened on the mission never even existed. It was like, to him, I didn't even exist.

So why now? After so long? After I fell in love Kakashi and moved on from that heartbreak? From him?

Neji why did you have to suddenly pop into my life and make things all the more complicated? You know I love Kakashi. I love him with all my heart, and I'm doing what I'm doing to get him back. I'll risk my life to see that he is alive and happy. I'm risking everything by taking on this mission willingly, not being forced into it. I will not let someone else do what I need to.

And I need ANBU. I need the strength it will give me, the control, the level headedness.

I buried my face in my hands, groaning.

"Sakura-san?" I heard a small voice come from the doorway. I lifted my head slightly staring at the rookie nurse, who wrung her hands, intimidated by my apparently demanding presence. I've heard a few of the nurses talk about me. They say I'm a horrible boss, that they were intimidated by my rash behavior. The older mednin said that I reminded them so much of a younger Tsunade.

I looked at the black haired teen expectantly, "What is it?"

"Uhm," She paused, swallowing, "There's a ninja here with a kunai stuck in a rather… private place…And he says you're the only one he will let…Uhm…"

She trailed and I just looked at her for her to continue, and when she did not I stood from my seat, grabbing the clipboard she held far away from her petite frame. I quickly brushed past her, groaning to myself when I saw the name written on the paper.

Naruto has had this happen on several occasions…. UGH….!

I walked briskly in the room saying, "Well, well what do we have here?" And I could not help but grin widely when I saw his bare behind, exposed by the hospital gown, sticking painfully in the air, as he laid on the hospital bed, grinning like mad. His tousled blond hair and dirt smudged face gave way that he had indeed been training… But with who?

"Naruto!" I reprimanded him, "How did you do it this time?" I walked to his bedside, looking him straight in the eyes. He chuckled, when I put my hands on my hips.

"Heh, Well, I was helping a few genin train for the upcoming exams… Sakura! They teamed up on me," He pouted cutely.

"Right," I laughed, glad for the distraction from my thoughts. He grunted when I started prodding at the glinting kunai jutting proudly from his back side. "Hold on to the sheets," I said, getting a wad of gauze and some peroxide, laying them on the mobile tray by his bedside. That kid that got him was pretty strong. The kunai was in there awfully deep. Snapping on some gloves, I eyes the object, then grabbed it; the blond grunted, his whole body stiffening with that anticipation of pain. With two firm tugs, the object came out. I laid it in a metal tray full of water. Then, I poured the peroxide on the wound, cleaning it with the gauze. Ten minutes and some chakra later Naruto was as good as new.

"Che, that kid… I'm gonna…" Naruto grunted, patting his rear, "Thanks Sakura."

"Yeah. No problem," I smiled, waving him off, looking at the paper under Naruto's. Today was going to be a long day full of broken bones and stuffy noses. There are civilian doctors for these kinds of things….

But I enjoyed my last shift that I'd have for quite a while.

* * *

**Yay. It finally got typed. I kinda lost my notebook. Heh. But I finally got it back and so... I typed it up. Hope you enjoyed the read. Reviews are nice!**


	11. Meeting at Hokage Tower

**Jaded**

**Chapter 11**

* * *

"Taro and Miki are really coming along so well," The blond winced at his statement briefly patting his backside, as we sat, waiting for our orders.

"What about that boy, Kenji?" I asked, fiddling with the straw in my cup of water.

"Gets more like Sasuke everyday. I swear there has to be some Uchiha blood in him somewhere," he paused, chuckling; "Him and Taro have quite the rivalry. They're competitive at everything… training, speed eating… It's ridiculous because we can never get a mission done."

It was odd to hear Naruto talking so responsibly… I laughed a bit,"That sounds familiar." He grinned, rubbing the back of his head. He and Sasuke were rivals at that age; it never changed, even when Sasuke left the village.

Each sought to be better stronger than the other. It was always fun to watch, even if I did always cheer for Sasuke; then I was jaded with nothing more than a silly crush, which went away over the time Naruto had left on his training with Jiraiya.

"What about Miki? How is she doing?" The little fiery red head had a special place in my heart. She reminded me so much of myself from my genin days.

"She's doing great. She has some amazing chakra control. She got the tree climbing technique on her first try. You know Sakura, she's been talking about becoming a Medical Ninja."

"Really?" I was shocked.

"Yeah," He replied, "She had to go to the clinic one day after some rough training, had a broken arm. Her eyes lit up when she saw the mednin heal her arm. And she's told me she really looks up to you." Naruto grinned at my shocked expression. I knew I had a rather big head about my medical skills. I always liked to say I was better than Tsunade, but it was a joke; I only said it to people to get on the blonde's nerves. Tsunade was one of the Legendary Sanin and elite Mednin. I only aspire to be a third as skilled as she is. So the fact that Miki looked up to me really did shock me.

"Well, maybe one of these days I can get her to train with me," I replied after a moment.

Naruto nodded enthusiastically, "She would love that!"

"Well how about tomorrow. It's Friday and I won't be busy. I don't have any shifts and the hospital, and I could always use the training."

"After we eat lets' go see what she has to say."

"I can't. I have a meeting. You go and call me later."

"Deal."

We nodded and watched as our orders were being placed on the table. Mine was a glazed doughnut and cup of black coffee, Naruto's, two steaming bowls of ramen. I shook my head as he said his thanks, yanking his chopsticks apart, and starting to quickly slurp up his noodles.

-

After lunch and a cheerful goodbye with Naruto, I found myself walking towards Hokage Tower at a leisurely pace. My navy sandals scuffed across the padded dirt, hands stuffed into my pockets of the Jounin pants I detested. They were nothing like the slim black leggings I preferred to wear, but I had been requested in mandatory ninja uniform. I had no choice. I squirmed uncomfortably in my flack jacket, picking at the sleeve of the navy shirt I wore under it.

I hated the Jounin Uniform. I just wonder how all these other Jounin like Lee can go to these kinds of things in just their mandatory jacket, but ninja such as me had to wear the whole mandatory uniform. Really, it was no big deal, but I still couldn't help but wonder. Maybe it was because I largely represented the Hokage. After all, I was her former apprentice and second in the hierarchy in the ninja hospital.

I went through the market street, watching as a few venders were just finishing unpacking for the late afternoon rush. A few people were out running errands, but overall the streets were pretty empty. The sky was overcast with thick clouds, and the air smelled like rain. A faint wind blew relieving most from the humidity. Looking up, I saw the red tiled rough of the tower. I walked a bit faster, and soon enough, I was at the large door that led to Tsunade's office. I knocked a couple of times, and the door opened up to reveal a cat faced ANBU with familiar wispy, black hair.

I walked past him, surveying the other ninja that littered the crowded office. Ino and Lee stood in the corner. Ino in the same uniform as I with her red head band tried proudly on her bicep, marking her as a mednin, just as me, which I wore mine in my hair, much the way I did when I was younger, with my pink locks tied up in the back, bangs framing my face. Lee was in his usual green spandex, standing proudly next to Ino. They both smiled when I walked over to them, noticing the short Tenten just behind Lee. She smiled slightly at me, and I returned it in the same fashion, noticing that her hair was tied in a simple bun on the crown of her head, dressed in the same fashion as I. I noticed ANBU in varying ranks surrounding the empty Hokage desk.

"Do you guys know what's going on?" I inquired to my three comrades. Ino and Tenten shrugged a bit. Lee stepped forward, taking my hands in his.

"There has been something unfortunate happen," He said delicately. I watched his animated features, silently wondering when his voice had become so deep, and his hair so shiny.

"What is it?"

He let go of my hands, quickly pulling his arm to his face, wiping away fake tears, "I do not know."

I put my hips, smiling along with Tenten at his antics.

"Lee you're an utter idiot," I heard Ino mutter with her petite arms crossed over her chest. A flaxen brow rose, annoyed, when the youthful ninja 'cried' harder. Tenten laughed nervously, patting her teammate on the shoulder telling her to calm down. The brunette then turned to me, her gaze serious, "I think something has happened to the Hokage."

My heart raced, breathing quickening. Ino put her hand on my shoulder, noticing my distress, "Everything will be fine."

Her relentless blue eyes gazed at me sympathetically, "She's been so sick, though…" I whispered it to where only she could hear.

"Did she tell you what was wrong?"

"No. Nothing."

"That's odd."

I nodded to Ino, agreeing completely. Tsunade knows I care for as though she were my mother. I don't know why she wouldn't tell me why she has been so ill as of late. I've noticed the lag in her chakra, the bags under her eyes, the weakening in her jutsu, the increasing wrinkles. She has been worrying me so, but whenever I would question her about it, she would just brush it off. She would pretend she was well, going about her work as though nothing at all were wrong. I know she knew that I knew better.

But why the silence?

One of the ANBU that surrounded the Hokage's desk stepped forward stiffly, waving his gloved hands for the room to quiet, and the soft mutterings of the various Jounin quickly stopped. I watched as he moved his masked race, scanning the room, his gaze stopping to where I stood in the corner. I stood there gazing back to the slits in his bear mask, noticing, the long brown hair that was tied half way down his back, the mark of a Hyuga male. It was Neji. Then, he nodded, and the two ANBU at the doors performed a locking jutsu and the silencing jutsu that kept the room safe from any outsiders. No one could get in or out, and no one could hear what would be said within the walls of the office.

The ANBU that greeted me at the door walked beside Neji, standing slightly in front of him. His wispy, black hair reminded me of Sai's. It may be him, but I'm not quite so sure. Many shinobi had short black hair.

"Attention!" Neji's voice ordered sternly. Every ninja in the room stood straight and proud, heads held high, arms rigid at their sides. My stance was just a bit looser, hating this particular order. Standing at attention was something I loathed, but I had to do it. Neji was my superior in this situation.

The ANBU with black hair, crossed his arms over his chest, "At ease, but do not move from your area." I wanted to laugh when I saw that Neji was glaring daggers at the cat masked ANBU, who sounded like Sai. I knew it was him now. I hate the anonymity of ANBU in momenst like these. I'd much rather see the face of the person who was ordering me around. I let my pert form slump into its usual posture, looking to Sai's commanding presence, waiting for them to continue.

"We have called you all here to report some very important news straight from the Hokage," Neji explained. My breath caught, listening more closely.

"But first let us explain what other reason you are all here for," Sai interjected his voice before Neji could finish, "today you will be assigned numbers that will tell you which ANBU training grounds you will be sent to. And you will also be introduced to your camp leaders after this meeting is adjourned."

I jammed my hands into my pockets, glancing at the blond beside me. She looked at me as well. Neither of us knew we were going for ANBU. Honestly, I was shocked to see Ino here. She did not strike me as the person who would be willing to join. She probably thought the same thing about me, but she did not know that I was doing this for a mission to save Kakashi, and I could never tell her, sworn to secrecy by Tsunade.

An ANBU started walking around the room, handing out envelopes. Sai explained that inside were our ANBU registration numbers and our training camps number. He also explained that these were to be opened when we left the office and got safely into our home, memorized, and burned, telling us a special jutsu to do it with. He said we were not to tell anyone, to not even discuss this amongst ourselves. The punishment for breaking these rules was death.

There was still time to turn around, say no to all of this. I could just hand back the envelope, tell the leaders that I could not do this. I could let Kakashi's life rest in another's hands. I could go back to the hospital, to the life I've learned to live without my family, without Kakashi.

But I wouldn't do it. I needed ANBU. Neji said I saved lives, and I will. I'll be saving my comrade's lives as an ANBU medic. I will be protecting my loved ones by serving in the shadows of Konoha. I will be able to pave a new way for the next generation. I needed ANBU to become strong, to not be the weak person I am, to learn to not let my emotions control my actions. Most of all, I will have a chance at seeing my beloved, to save him and bring him home to live our lives the way we did before he left.

I knew I would change. I knew I would never be the same when I left the training camp, but I had to do this. It was the only way.

"Now that this is done. There are matters about the Hokage that need to be discussed," Neji said after a moment of silence. I shifted on my feet at the mention of Tsunade. I hope that she is all right.

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**Sorry for the late update. I've been stuck on what to do with the story and school has been pretty hectic. I'm hoping to update my other story tomorrow and maybe start/finish the next chapter for this story. So please tell me your thoughts and maybe what you think might happen/ ideas for future chapters because I'm kind of stuck. lol.**


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